In my personal quest to find "the one" I have always found the guy who is "the one for right now" who naturally turns out to be "not quite what I had in mind" and then ultimately "why didn't you guys stop me!" Yes, we have all been there, we have all made our share of mistakes, but that is why we can say we learned from experience, right? Or are we destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over?
Welcome! I am by no means a dating guru; in fact, I have never even had a relationship exceed one month in my life! How dare I even write this article! But, like most people in their twenties, I have had my fair share of pleasant and unpleasant experiences in the dating world to speak with conviction.
For years, in addition to dealing with my own impaired judgment, I have watched both my male and female friends alike go through the same kind of dating drama. It makes me sick how stupid and blind we can be in our own personal struggle to relate to the opposite sex. We find ourselves constantly misinterpreting the actions of the other, justifying ill behavior but then -worst of all- we are guilty of repeating the same mistakes over and over with each new person we meet. It's like we want to get hurt!
I am not suggesting that it is possible to live a life of love that is error free, because lets face it, there is no such thing as perfection. However, there are certain dating mistakes that are possible to avoid and worth avoiding.
The following lists focus on what I feel are ten of the most important dating strategies that most of us tend to ignore in our quest to find love (or what not). Bear in mind, it is the everyday stuff that we ignore that always comes back to haunt us.
For the Ladies
1.The man pursues the woman.
It is as simple as that. Women should not be the hunter, but rather the hunted. Men know what they want and will go after what they want. When women initiate contact by calling a guy, they set themselves up to be let down. If you don't believe me, think very hard about a relationship that you initiated and what happened to the relationship. Maybe things went well for a week, or two, maybe even a month, but after that...POOF! This is because men need to be the pursuer-it is the only true way to know whether they are truly interested. If he is not calling you, then he is probably not interested.
2.Avoid hang-ups!
Do not rub salt in your wounds. Sorry to have to use the cliché on this one, but there is really no better way to put it. Whatever do I mean? Ladies, you know when we think we've moved on from a guy, but then about two months later we decide "Maybe he changed his mind about me" or "Maybe if I call or send him a message, I'll put myself back in his head" NO! There is no excuse for this behavior (alcohol induced or not)! Why? Yes, I will admit, it is fun and entertaining to some extent, but it is a vicious cycle. Don't get hung up on one guy, especially if he's made it clear that he's not worth your time. Hang-ups like these take you two steps back! There are plenty of men out there-no need to stress one! Plus, why would you waste your precious, valuable time on someone who has already slighted you?
3.Two words: OVER-ANALYZATION
Over-analyzing a situation; we are all guilty of doing it on some level - especially those of us that like to think. I encourage thinking but dissecting every word that someone says and analyzing every gesture is torture in the very highest form! Employing bad communication tactics is often the culprit, especially in today's day and age where it has become second nature to use technology as a primary form of communication (i.e. the text message, email). However, no matter what form of communication is being applied, people will continue to baffle one another with impromptu gestures and ambiguous speech. When it comes to certain situations in life, there are a variety of times where one need not know the why part to.
4.Take everything at face value.
"I'll call you" "I want to be with you" Comments such as these mean NOTHING until they happen. Think about it. People like to talk. We are constantly making promises that we never intend to keep and we say things to others because we think it is what they want to hear. Words mean nothing until they are given meaning which of course, is set forth by example.
5.Actions speak louder than words.
This one seems pretty elementary but it's the one we never seem to get right and always try to defend. He didn't call you back when he said he was going to-that's kind of big. Sometimes unforeseen events do arise and it is necessary to cut someone a proverbial piece of slack, but when this happens more than once, especially in the preliminary stages of a relationship, PAY ATTENTION! This is a huge red flag! If someone can't complete a simple chore such as returning a phone call, how do you expect them to respond to larger commitments in the future?
6.Don't expect someone to change.
Never hope for change, because, well, people don't change. If a person has tendencies that you cannot overcome, you need to reexamine your thoughts on where the relationship is going. You should like someone for who they are, not for who you want them to be (weird tendencies and bad habits included).
7.Expecting to build a relationship off of a hook-up = NO!
The scenario: So you meet this guy at a party, and the two of you end up hanging out the entire night. As the evening winds down, things start to progress and before you know it, you are already naked! Oops! You're young, this stuff happens. These are the moments that you will fondly look back on with bittersweet memories when you are older. However, when you start developing feelings for the guy in this scenario and start OBSESSING when he goes MIA after the hook up, don't sit around and wonder why. The physical aspect of a relationship is something to lead up to, not start out at! Relationships should not go backwards! So to those of you out there who have difficulty exercising self-control, avoid physical situations such as the aforementioned. No guy will want to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free!
8.Don't fall for lame excuses!
"Sorry I didn't call, I've been really busy"
So he has had the most horrendous week ever! His cat died, his car was in the shop, he had to stay late at work, his grandma is in the hospital AND he pulled his hamstring at the gym! OK so maybe this one seems a bit unfair and slightly inconsiderate, but I think 95% of guys will agree with me that if they want to talk to someone, they will. Everyone has a cell phone these days and most of us have it within a two-inch radius of us all day long, so if a guy truly wants to talk to a girl, he will find the cliché "5 minutes" to call her or let her know he's thinking about her. It is as simple as that.
9.Put down the phone!
When we like someone, it is usually a natural reaction to want to talk to them, especially if they are not calling us. We abandon all logical ways of thinking and start creating excuses as to why this person is not calling us. Women always want what they cannot have so especially in situations where we feel we are being resisted, it is natural that we try harder. However, the reality of it all is that when we do not make ourselves as available, this is when guys tend to become intrigued. Men love a chase just as much as women do. Don't sell yourself short! [And if they are still not calling, well, I guess it was not meant to be. Move on.]
10.Chalk it up to experience!
One of my most favorite quotes in the world is by Robert Frost. "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." Things happen. Move on. You need to take the lesson that was learned and move forward. Harboring on things that could have happened is pointless. It is impossible to change the past so you may as well learn from it. Some things in life aren't meant to be. There is only one phrase you need to memorize here and that is: "NEXT!"
For the Men
1.Don't play games.
If you like her, call her, pursue her. It is that easy. The time you waste playing games = the time that you are wasting in which you could be getting to know her. It is not about winning or losing or even keeping score (get over yourself). If you are just about having a "commitment free good time" then find yourself a girl with a similar mindset who will sleep with you no strings attached. Do not mess with a person of substance.
2.Initiate a phone call.
The year is now 2008. If you cannot figure out that women like to be pursued, then you are oblivious! DO NOT WAIT FOR HER TO CALL YOU. BEING "SHY" IS NOT AN EXCUSE! Most girls do not buy into this women's lib crap that it is the new thing to call guys and to pursue them, it's weird. When a girl initiates contact first, it changes the dynamics of a relationship before if even begins. Remember: It is one thing for a girl to return your phone call, but to expect her to be the one calling you- that is backwards. Do you guys really want to be undermined by a female?
3.Be a prude.
Most guys do not do this. They are ready to take their clothes off after the first date, maybe even on the first date. Learn to play the prude card. This is a good tactic to try if you really like someone. Since women of today's generation have more control than ever in the bedroom, it is usually in a man's best interest to let her set the pace. By exercising some self-control, this will demonstrate that you are not just in it for some action.
4.Too much too soon
ATTENTION: DO NOT BLOW UP HER PHONE. No one wants to be smothered. It is important to remember that if your calls are less frequent (use judgment) but full bodied and meaningful, you will create a longing. Know where to draw the line. After all, getting to know someone is a process. Enjoy a person- good things should not be rushed! You can never take a relationship to slow, but you always can take it too fast.
5.Be a gentleman. Little gestures go a long way.
This one seems like it would be so easy; Holding a door, offering a jacket, not walking ten feet in front of a girl. Yet, many of you seem not to have mastered the art of basic manners. It has nothing to do with "impressing" a girl but instead, it shows that you have a little something called class and respect (something that is severely lacking in today's generation). It may seem like an old-school ideal, but this one is a good judge of character.
6.Be CONFIDENT!
You may look good, but believe me ,your actions will dictate whether of not you are a solid person. Be who you are and be proud of it. Nothing is more of a turn off then when a guy tries to act like someone or something he's not. Confidence is key. When a person has a good relationship with themselves, it is natural that they will have a good relationship with others. In other words, you need to like you before you can start liking someone else. After all, women are blood hounds-they can sniff out insecurities from a mile away! For example, guys who find the need to boast their salary or even mention it for that matter = INSECURITY (and aside from being an insecurity, it is a really big turn off.)
7.Don't be cheap.
I am not saying that guys should have to foot the bill every time, however, if you ask a girl out, that means you pay. That is a general rule of thumb. Most girls will offer to pay out of kindness-I do this all the time! Half of the time I don't even have my wallet on me! This is not to say that I let a guy pay for every facet of the evening though. Most girls will offer to buy a round of drinks or pick up a parking fee, etc. In this case it is OK to let a girl take care of it, do not argue with her about it. Additionally, if you are ever out with another couple, and even utter the words "separate checks" you may as well just post a sign on your forehead that says "I am cheap!" It isn't rocket science to round the total of a bill and divide it by 2! Suggesting separate checks is extremely tacky and if you are that concerned about money, then maybe you shouldn't be out to dinner.
8.Don't sell yourself.
I once dated this guy that would back up every nice gesture he did by saying "its because I'm a nice guy" (literally every time he did something nice such as pay a bill, or offer his services), and it was such a big turn off, that I would forget what it was that he was even doing nice in the first place. This kind of behavior parallels the whole "actions speak louder than words" idea. There is no need to sell yourself to someone. First of all, if you do a nice deed it should be because you wanted to and because you're a gentleman. There is no need to introduce or close nice gestures with remarks like "because I'm a nice guy." Any girl will notice a nice gesture and will not need it to be brought to her attention. In the event she takes your gentleman-like ways for granted-ditch her and find someone who appreciates them!
9.Be honest. Lying isn't nice.
If you are not that into a girl, you need to tell her. Believe me; ANY girl will respect you more if you are upfront with her. If you don't confront her, then you either have really low self-esteem or loathe the idea of having no one. If you see a girl is into you, and you can't return that same affection, don't be selfish. Additionally, if you don't want to be tied down, say so. When someone gets the wrong idea about you, nine out of ten times it's because you gave them the wrong idea. Moral of the story: If you don't intend on calling her, then don't tell her that you will and get her hopes up.
10.Be prepared to do some work!
Show her that you are interested! This goes back to my favorite rule "actions speak louder than words." No girl wants a lazy guy. I'm not saying that girls should just sit back and relax while the man does all the work. Like anything else in life, it is give and take. However, it is the guy's job to get the ball rolling. Most guys seem to carry the "fear of rejection" gene in which they purposely wuss out of situations. Don't "sissify" yourself! Some situation may require you to take a leap of faith. Just remember: "It is better to have tried and failed then to have never tried at all."
