How to be a Good Converationalist and Make Your Date Talk About You Long After the Date has Ended

Conversation is a necessary part of our everyday lives and no place is it more important then when you're dating. Being a good conversationalist can get you through a bad date gracefully and can make a good date even better.

There is a trick or an 'art form' as they say to become a good conversationalist. There are a lot of things that you can do to improve your conversational skills. While it's true some people are born with the 'gift of gab,' you can learn, develop, and acquire the same gift of being a good conversationalist if you follow some of these tips. Soon you'll become a better conversationalist in no time and your dates will be talking about you long after the date has ended. Try these tips.

Be willing to listen, more than you want to speak

Your willingness to listen more than you want to talk is one of the key ingredients in being a good conversationalist. Good conversationalists are able to listen more than anyone else, and therefore are better able to respond appropriately when asked questions about the subject being talked about. By listening you are able to pick up on small things in the conversation that would other wise be missed. You will be able to pick up on tone, or the change of tone, inflection and emotion(s) expressed. All of these things you can use to your advantage while you're trying to be an effective communicator.

Read frequently about diverse subject matters

Good conversationalist can talk about any number of subject matters because they are usually well read. If you're the type of person that only likes reading fiction, get of our comfort zone and read a romantic comedy, or travel book. Einstein once said that if you study one subject matter for one hour per day, in a year you would be an expert on it. I don't necessarily subscribe to that school of thought; however I do believe if you read one hour a day, every day for a year, your knowledge will have increased greatly, and you would have more things to talk about. Start by reading your local newspaper from cover to cover.

Get and keep eye contact with the person you're talking to

Good conversationalists are able to make you feel that everything you say is important. Keeping an eye contact is a great way of showing the person that you're into what they have to say and what they have to say is important to you.

Ask open ended questions

When talking, ask questions that require more than a yes or no response. So many people get in the habit of asking closed ended questions. For instance, you might ask: 'is pink your favorite color?' That's a closed ended question because the answer can only be 'yes' or 'no;' instead ask: 'What is it about the color pink that you like so much?' This is an open ended question. Open ended questions allow people to elaborate just enough on the answer that you will have enough information to ask another question along the same lines, or segue it into something you have in common.

Find common ground and build on that

There's certainly a suitable time and place for spirited discussion, debates, and disagreements, but on a date should not be one of them. Good conversationalists have a way of asking just enough questions to find the common ground, and build on that throughout the date. If during your conversation you feel you've reached an impasse with the person your conversating with, agree to disagree, move along and look for common ground to begin another topic of conversation.

Turn a negative experience into positive reflection

Most people will, when on a date, inevitably bring up the history of the ex(s). This is usually followed by the perfunctory question: 'What happened between you and your ex?' or something along those lines. This question may still be a sore spot for your date and the mention of an ex may illicit negative feelings and/or emotions. Things that can easily make a good date turn bad. Instead ask: 'What lessons did you learn from your previous relationships that made you a better person?' This question works on many emotional levels. It keeps the ex in the past, suggest that a lesson was learned, and intimates that because of the experience, they are better for it. This is turning a negative situation into a positive reflection. That type of question allows a person to think back in a more reflective and positive way on what they learned from the relationship.

'Sandwich' the negative

During conversations it's common for someone to ask another person their opinion on any number of subject matters. If someone asks you to comment on something that you have a negative opinion on, learn how to 'sandwich' it in between non-offensive statements.

For instance, if someone asks you about your opinion of the President of the USA and you don't have a favorable opinion on him, you might say: 'I know the job of any elected official is difficult, and it's hard to please everyone. However I don't like the way he vetoed the measure on pork spending, as I think he could have ended the financial waste that plagues most administrations. But I certainly understand that he has that right as the president to veto legislation.'

This lets the person know tactfully that you disapprove of the Presidents policy, but you also close the door to a potential disagreement (argument) if the person you're talking with disagrees with your statement, and/or if their aligned with the political party of the POTUS.

Know how and when to give compliments

Everyone likes to be complemented. Whether it's on the clothes they wear, their cologne, style of dress, and/or their profession. At the same time nobody wants to be inundated with a bunch of unnecessary or gratuitous compliments. When you're talking to someone about something that you see they're passionate about, compliment them on their achievement. For instance, if someone talks you about their volunteer work they did for the homeless, an appropriate compliment might be:

'It takes a special person to want to reach out and help the homeless and those less fortunate then themselves, and I can see that you have that special quality.'

This is a type of compliment that will let the person that you're talking to know that their good deed did not go unnoticed and unrecognized by you, and you admire that quality in them. Of course complementing them on their appearance at the appropriate time wouldn't hurt either.

Be humorous...within your bounds

Everyone likes to laugh, and laughter therapy is the unofficial best way to get over life's pains, and to get through dates. However not every person can be funny all the time. It's always good to know a couple of good jokes and anecdotes, and inject them during your conversations at appropriate times. Use appropriate animation when necessary when delivering a funny anecdote. Don't try to be overly funny or get out of your laughter comfort zone. Remember humor is like a great spice; it's appreciated best when used lightly and not many people know it.

These are just some of the small things that you can do to improve your conversation skills. Keep practicing these techniques and more and more you'll be the dater that everyone wants to talk to and talk about.

Obi aka The Relationship Guy, provides insightful, common sense, witty, and some times sarcastic articles on love, dating, and relationships. His forthcoming book, ‘The Blueprint of Love’ goes into detail about the game of love. You can read more articles and get more information about the book by going to: [http://www.theblueprintoflove.com] You can also read his blog on married life called: Marriage 101: Lessons Learned in the First Year of Marriage

Chat and Date Online

Finding that "one".....the chances feel infinitely better now that there are so many opportunities due to online dating sites. The days of sitting alone on a Saturday night because you're friends out with their "ones" are over. If you want to meet that someone then just log-on and check out the millions of free online chat rooms!

There's no hard or fast rule to chatting on a first or second date but if you have something in common with that person that you've emailed back and forth for a week or so, then what's stopping you chatting in the real world with flair and gusto!

Sometimes chit chat is easier for some people more than others, and if you do struggle with conversations like that, practising with friends and work colleagues can help you significantly (unless of course it's your friend that you have the massive crush on).

As a rule, don't use chat up lines. Try to be yourself, be natural, and not smutty. Don't ask her if how she likes her eggs, nor if she has 10p for the phone because you're doomed to fail. You may get away with cheeky ones if she's not such a serious type, but more often than not, it's not worth it so don't even go there.

Just be yourself, be honest and open. If you can connect with them on that level, everything else should and will fall into place. There's a lot that can be said for a smile, and a glance done at the right time.

Don't try to tell long winded jokes. Comedians may very well be able to laugh you into bed, but unless you're Lee Evans or Lee Mack, don't think that you'll be able to do the same in one night. Just relax, and be you. Listen to what she has to say, and respond to any questions with more than a yes or a no. The way she reacts to you will give you more than enough to go on.

Find something that you're both interested in to chat about. Could be sport, movies, even knitting if you're that way inclined. Make her feel at ease. When she replies to you, don't be judgmental and just listen. If you're not into what she's talking about just listen anyway, and maybe move the conversation on in a different way. TV is always good to talk about - although don't reel off the plot lines to the last 10 years of EastEnders or she may just dump you there and then.

Compliment her, everyone wants to be appreciated. Don't however go overboard. Be endearing, not smarmy.

Compliments that you can give, can range from "you smell lovely", "you have beautiful eyes" to how you love the sound of her giggle.

Some online chat rooms have numbers where you can call members. 070 numbers, 0207 numbers, 07036 numbers, 070111 numbers, 07012 numbers etc are all used for chat and date services as well as 08 telephone numbers. These vary in price from 10p per min to 50p per min from Landline numbers, mobiles always vary so always check with your provider before you call. Adult chatline numbers such as 09s are normally used for sex lines and not normal chat and date services and these cost anything up to £1.50 a min. Don't call 090 lines expecting girls on the other end to date you, because 9/10 they won't.

Finding someone to date online is very safe indeed, providing you take precautions when you meet. Always meet in a public place, and always let someone know where you are going to be and where you are going (send them a text or a quick call if you are on the move to somewhere else).

Who knows, this time next year you may find that special someone who only lives down the road, but you have been too scared to talk to them initially face to face - online dating is so much easier when you have less confidence doing it face to face.

Nicki @
http://www.chatstation.co.uk
27 year old from London in the UK.

http://www.chatstation.co.uk - the safe chat portal for over 18s in the UK

Voice Dating - Uncover a New Way of Dating and Relating

Has anyone ever commented on your sexy voice?

It's okay, go ahead and admit it. You have got one heck of an alluring voice!

Yes, you might have been shy, even shocked when you heard this. Me? Really? But your voice can be one of the first things that someone notices about you when you start dating. You can use this asset in a new and intriguing way through adult phone chat lines, the modern way to meet singles just like you.

It can be fun to go out with the girls or guys on a Friday night, getting all dressed up, having a few drinks, and exchanging flirtatious glances with people across the bar. But that can get exhausting, even boring, week after week. Sometimes you just want to stay in and relax at home, but something is missing. The company of another person, even if it is just talking on the phone. Or, if you are like many people, you are looking for something casual, fun, and flirty with no strings attached.

Local phone chat lines are the fastest, safest, and most exciting way to spend your next Friday night!

Go ahead and light a few candles, pop open a bottle of chardonnay, and call the phone personals line. It is amazing how quickly you will find, not just one, but dozens of people you want to chat with. You can take it slow by listening to some friendship voice messages, start to warm up the night with some romance and love, or set the night on fire with some explicit adult chat lines. The night is young, and it is all yours - embrace it!

This certainly isn't the time to be shy, either. Your mother isn't around to disapprove and you don't have to tell your friends if you don't want to, but you would be surprised just how many of them are blowing you off for a steamy night talking about spanking, biting, and slapping - and that was just Tuesday night! This is your new, naughty little secret, one that will be on your mind all day long.

Take dating into the 21st century with voice personals

Long gone are the days of coyly accepting a date from a handsome man while teasing him with a peek at your ankle; nor do you need to take her out for an elaborate dinner. Sometimes all you need is just some time to get to know each other, in a casual way, over the phone. Maybe this is the extent of your relationship, where you schedule Thursday afternoon chats with one another. Or perhaps you are looking for that special someone to share your life with. When traditional methods of dating have brought you no results, it is time to try something new.

Taking something that is already inherently attractive, your voice, and pairing it with modern technology, you have a surefire way to make your life as exciting as you can handle. Voice dating is for everyone, from quiet school marms to the busy CEO with limited time for relating with other people. If you aren't sure just yet, take the time to listen to a few voice personals; exciting, isn't it? Now imagine how others would feel when they hear your special message. Take the plunge today and set up your own account.

Spark a flame in your love life and engage sexy singles with Phone Personals!

Toll Free 866-584-0974

Relationship Expert Reveals Secrets of Finding "The Man"

Interview with Steve Nakamoto

Author of "Dating Rocks!: The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make for Love"

Reader Views' Managing Editor, Irene Watson, speaks with Steve Nakamoto.

Irene: Tell me about yourself and what inspired you to write a book for women.

Steve: Several years ago I thought that I had met the "love of my life." That relationship took a radical turn when the woman I loved met another man whom she later married. That was enough to jolt me into thinking more seriously about what really happens to people in romantic love relationships.

At about the same time, I was attending workshops and seminars on personal development and ran across the work of motivational expert Tony Robbins. I joined Mr. Robbins' organization as a seminar trainer and became well-versed in the studies of unconscious communication, goal achievement, and life mastery.

One of the things that I found both fascinating and humorous was how advanced communication strategies worked in the dating world. About that time I went on a social rampage where I went on over 25 Club Med vacations and 20 singles cruises. That was when I thought about writing a book about my dating/social adventures using the things that I had learned as a trainer for Tony Robbins.

Dating Rocks! is my second book. It is the result of over 225 radio and television interviews, 2 years of experience serving as iVillage.com's dating expert for the "Ask Mr. Answer Man" message board, and an additional 5 years of experience of dealing with dating/love/relationship issues.

Irene: 240 pages seems like a lot of information that women need to know. Tell me some of the things that you tell women in the preparation phase before dating?

Steve: Some of the smart dating moves that precede actually finding a man involve: 1) loving yourself first, 2) finding and fixing any personal blind spots, and 3) getting rid of any negative emotional baggage from the past.

Many failures that women experience can be traced back to this pre-phase where low self-esteem or bad attitudes from the past ruin a woman's chances for successful dating and love. So it's important that women take a closer look at these issues if recurring problems show up in her relationships.

Irene: Tell me some of the things that you tell women they should do to find a man

Steve: Once a woman has taken care of the before-mentioned prerequisites, she can begin moving forward in her search for the right man. In this stage, some smart dating moves include: 1) making herself attractive to a man, 2) avoiding losing love candidates, 3) staying clear of low-percentage relationship situations, 4) learning vital people skills, 5) learning how to excel at small talk, 6) becoming an outstanding listener, and 7) meeting men while they are involved in worthwhile activities or through a network of friends.

The next stage is about the actual dating process and includes: 1) interacting so that a man would feel comfortable asking a woman out for a date, 2) controlling the pace and direction of the dating process, and 3) gauging accurately how well the two to them click.

Irene: And, how about how to keep him?

Steve: You can only keep a man if the romantic chemistry and emotional maturity are both high. You also have to adjust his role to fit his priorities and level of desire. Then it's a matter of managing a woman's upsets, expanded the relationship into other areas of growth, maintaining an unlimited attitude of gratitude, and creating certainty and trust in the relationship.

These may seem like big concepts, but each one can be broken down into simple, everyday acts of kindness and understanding that any person can practice in their romantic love relationships.

Irene: Are these your own personal opinions or did you gather information from others?

Steve: I read a lot of dating/relationship opinions while I'm serving as the "Mr. Answer Man" for iVillage.com. But my base of knowledge comes from the seminars that I attended many years ago with relationship experts John Gray, Barbara DeAngelis, and Dr. Warren Farrell, as well as personal development/communication trainings with Jim Rohn, Tony Robbins, Mark Victor Hansen, and the Dale Carnegie organization.

So while my observations are my own personal opinions, they are well-grounded on concepts that I borrowed from experts that I highly regard.

Irene: You mentioned your studies with masters like Tony Robbins. How much influence has he had on some of the writing in your book?

Steve: Tony Robbins had more influence on my personal development than any other person or organization. I served for seven years as a personal development trainer doing intense seminars in Cancun, Hawaii, and the western United States.

Mr. Robbins' provided me with the motivation to write a book. My understanding of a key concept called "global metaphors" was a vital reason why I was able to write my first book, Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. Almost all of my psychology background was learned through Mr. Robbins' advanced seminars which were part of the trainers' training. I simply took the concepts that I learned from his seminars and applied them to the unique and largely untested field of dating.

Irene: You are a dating and relationship expert on an online discussion board. What is the most common issue that women share with men?

Steve: Both men and women are frustrated in their search for the "one." They both want a relationship with mutually high romantic chemistry, emotional maturity, and compatibility. But men seem to have more problems in maintaining high romantic chemistry with the women they fall for. Men also have more challenges in developing emotional maturity whereas women generally do not.

Irene: What challenges do women face more so than men?

Steve: Women have more challenges with self-esteem issues than men. They also seem to put more significance on love relationship and therefore, put more pressure on the situation in order to make it happen. It seems like men and women will often be out of rapport with each other because the woman needs a love relationship for fulfilling a wide variety of emotional needs. A man, on the other hand, wants love more for the enjoyment of being with a woman. A man can get his other emotional needs filled through his work, friends, and individual hobbies/sports.

Irene: How much of relationships are modeled after what people see on TV or in the movies?

Steve: People in their 20's and teens are greatly influenced by their peer group. Major media (television, movies, commercials, music) has a lot of power in conditioning people into what is considered attractive and what love should be like. But there are such a wide variety of movies out there that a balance can be struck between fantasy and reality when it comes to love relationships. But largely, the media tries more to sell the public on the idea of "love at first sight" as the more desired model for romantic relationships.

Irene: What area do you think is the most modeled after?

Steve: For women, media seems to influence the need to look skinny (except on top) and to wear certain types of sexy clothing in order to be physically desirable to men. It seems like the over-emphasis is on appealing to men in a sexual way.

For men, it seems like the need to be financially successful (Donald Trump) or to be physically strong/tough (athletes, rap music) as the best way to impress women.

The media also seems to focus a lot these days on celebrity break-ups and divorces which causes people to be less hopeful for lasting love relationships in their own lives. It almost appears that getting married is less of a commitment and more like a modern-day way to "going steady".....at least in Tinsel town.

Irene: What is a healthy relationship in your opinion?

Steve: A healthy love relationship has high levels of mutual romantic chemistry, emotional maturity, and compatibility. It has the side-effect of building mutual high self-esteem.

A healthy relationship reinforces the values of honesty, trust, commitment, caring, and giving. And bottom line, a healthy relationship is one that I believe: 1) feels good, 2) is good for each person, 3) serves a greater good, and 4) the Heavens are smiling and blessing the relationship.

Irene: I'm sure the reading audience wants to know if you are in a permanent relationship now?

Steve: Actually I get asked about this quite often. Yes, I am in a wonderful relationship with a woman I met a few years ago at a Dating Dinner. She's a partner in a law firm and is actually a very busy person with tons of responsibility. She's also read both of my books and has contributed her ideas from time-to-time. I really like her diversity in that she is obviously very intelligent and professional, but she can be just like a high school girlfriend when it comes to having fun. Our best times together in my opinion are the vacations that we've been on. That way, we both can get away and relax. I think it's important for busy couples to plan time away together so that they have something great to look forward to.

Irene: Thank you Steve, is there anything else that you want your reading audience to know about you or your book?

Steve: If people want to check out my book, I've got a sample of all 21 smart love moves for free on my website, http://www.DatingRocks.com . I practically give all the information away on this website, but the book itself is a more pleasurable experience with the cartoons, illustrations, quotations, and stories.

As a bonus for all of you who have spent the time to read this interview, I giving away a free 25 page special report which you can get by simply sending an email request to tips@menarelikefish.com .

Irene Watson is the Managing Editor of Reader Views, a book review service based in Austin, Texas. http://www.readerviews.com

Smart Dating Tips For Women - Love Yourself First & Foremost!

Love always begins with you! You must love yourself first in order to love others. Love is a two-way street of giving and receiving. You can't give away the gift of love unless you possess it within yourself in the first place. And you can not receive and accept love if you don't feel deep inside that you deserve it.

The following ideas are designed to help boost your self-esteem and thereby strengthen your source of power to give and receive love:

o REDISCOVER YOUR OVERLOOKED STRENGTHS.

There is a popular saying that goes, "It ain't bragging if it's true." In your private moments, be sure to take some time out to remember some of your often-overlooked positive qualities. Why wait around for someone else to give you an uplifting and empowering personal compliment, when nobody knows you better than you do? When your personal power starts to run low, be the first one to do a little bragging in the name of love.

o STOP LIVING TO PLEASE OTHERS.

Most of us were raised to try to please other people, whether it was our parents, teachers, coaches, friends, or other family members. But as adults, there is a limit to how much energy we can spend on pleasing others before it is at the expense of our own desires. You can show how much you truly love yourself by choosing to prioritize your own needs over those of others. After an initial adjustment, this strategy will end up freeing up more positive energy in your life, which other people will find naturally attractive.

o PRACTICE COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF & OTHERS.

When we put ourselves in other people's shoes and feel empathy for their challenges, we are practicing compassion. This emotion helps us to open up our hearts and value other people. Even a small act, like looking people in the eye and saying "hello," sends a clear message to that other person that they matter. A simple, yet profound principle to remember is that you can't elevate another person's self-esteem without also elevating your own.

o LEARN TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF.

We would all agree that having a great sense of humor is attractive to others. And when we are able to direct this humor toward ourselves, it offers multiple benefits. First, it acts like a safety valve and takes off some of the pressure of everyday living. Secondly, it prevents us from taking ourselves too seriously. Also, it can prevent us from being too hard on ourselves when we don't measure up to our own high expectations. Lightening things up has the attractive side-benefit of putting others at ease, too! They don't have to worry that we'll be too hard on them also.

o LIST YOUR PERSONAL BREAKTHROUGHS.

We all have proud moments when we were able to overcome a particular challenge successfully. Taking an inventory of these breakthrough moments and appreciating our progress can raise our self-esteem. For example, I experienced a personal breakthrough when I appeared on the NBC television talk- show The Other Half (mentioned previously in this book). For a guy whose biggest fear was public speaking, this was a feat that I'm still very proud of today. What accomplishments are you most proud of? Make sure that you create a list of your breakthroughs and put it somewhere where you can look at it regularly. Remind yourself of how wonderful and courageous you truly are.

o STOP THE CRITIC INSIDE YOU.

There is an internal voice within each of us that likes to remind us of our fears and limitations. When faced with a major challenge, this voice will often proclaim, "No you can't!" So it is our responsibility and duty to quiet that self-sabotaging voice. Listen instead to the powerful inspiration of your own inner and outer voice with repeated positive statements like "Yes, I can!" and "If it's to be, it's up to me." When possible, do this in front of a mirror. By reinforcing the message that you send yourself with strong tonality, sincere emotion, and congruent facial expressions, you'll be replacing your inner critic with a private cheerleader. This is a great way to raise and maintain a high self-esteem.

o GET COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR OWN BODY.

It's also important to accept and appreciate yourself on a physical level. While we can't all have "the perfect body," it's a good practice to remove any awkwardness or shyness that we may have with ourselves. A constructive thing to do is to stop thinking about how flawed your body looks and to start paying attention to how healthy your body is becoming. The healthiness of your body is something that you can have immediate control over through diet, discipline, exercise, and relaxation. And the bottom line is that a healthy body is a sexy body, which is all you really need to convey to men and, more importantly, to yourself.

o ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS GRACIOUSLY.

Many people have difficulty accepting compliments. They will often respond by lowering their heads or saying something to minimize the compliment. The internal effect is that you rob yourself of the self-esteem boost that you could be receiving from the other person. Instead of rejecting the next compliment, be ready to accept it graciously by holding your head high and saying, "Thank you." Do this and you will also allow the sender of the compliment to enjoy the gift of giving.

o TREAT YOURSELF TO WELL-DESERVED REWARDS.

It is a healthy practice to reward yourself periodically with special treats. That way, you'll be sending a clear message to yourself that you deserve to be treated well. If you don't feel worthy of accepting rewards in life, how can you expect another person to feel that you're worthy of their attention and love? Small indulgences like a trip to the spa for a facial and massage may do more than just make your body feel better. Such special treatment revitalizes the essential spirit of self-esteem, and it will power your love life.

By following these simple guidelines, a smart woman can create and maintain a healthy self-esteem and keep herself energized throughout her journey to love.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Dating sucks when you're scaring men away inadvertently with your low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior. But dating rocks when you love yourself first and send out a clear signal to prospective men that you're a special woman who rightly deserves to be recognized, appreciated, and loved.

Steve Nakamoto - "The Voice Of The Other Half"
iVillage.com's Ask Mr. Answer Man Relationship Expert
2-Time Writer's Digest Award-Winning Author
Author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man
Talk Like A Winner! 21 Simple Rules For Everyday Communication Success
Dating Rocks! The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love

http://www.SteveNakamoto.com

Finding the One With Adult Dating Personals

Who would have thought that you could find the one person you could probably spend the rest of your life with online? A few years ago, this would have been a hilarity for some, as the internet was a crucible for the weird and the predatory stalkers who only sought to use its communication capabilities for the nefarious and in some cases, the illegal. But as the internet got more and more established, and more governance was put in place as well as a higher sense of social responsibility by massive hosting companies and domain name providers, a sense of security is slowly seeping into the internet and with it, the proliferation of many adult dating personals that seek to end the litany in your life and find you, the end user, a life long partner.

There are many things that you should look for when browsing through the thousands of profiles on the internet. Don't be surprised that there are so many people looking for love online and there are a myriad of reasons why they have turned to personals to solve their dating needs. Perhaps they are busy and just don't have the time to play the social game and go out on dates. Maybe they have a 'love life' philosophy that does not allow them to try out different people with the hopes of finding the right one, and they look to personals to get a more focused and targeted approach. Maybe they are just too shy.

Whatever the reason, there are really a lot of people online who are wanting and willing. The key here is reading the profiles, and not to be ruled by the immediate temptation of going for the best-looking one you can find. Firstly join the queue, and knowing the predictability of these personals, this person is inundated with messages from many others with the same line of thinking. If they do respond to you, it probably would be a diluted response with little or no emotional attachment. And never start off with a 'hey good lookin' or any response that is along those lines. The key is in the first few words that you type in and press send. Sending a generic pick up line would more than likely turn the other person off or even make you look either desperate or easy.

These are the things that we want to avoid when it comes to looking for someone to go out on a date with. So what you should do is to read their profiles and find out a bout the things that they like. Most of these personals are pretty informative and they allow users to list down the things that they like, their hobbies and their interests. An informed, friendly, honest approach is made up of sincerity and finding common ground. Quoting from a book they like to read or commenting about a sport they like to watch or play will more likely get you a response than a one liner. And that is the first step into the door and the lines of communication are open. With adult dating personals, its all about what you say and what your profile speaks - the rest is up to you!

Jane Sanders, an expert in psychology, researched human dating behaviors for years. She has currently released her findings in a FREE Copy of her "Online Dating Success In 5 Simple Steps!" Click Here to Download the Free Ebook Now!

Why Do So Many Men Fail at Online Dating?

With the ongoing popularity of online dating, and studies reporting that over 40 million Americans participate in online dating, one must ask why two out of three men who join online dating sites quit, claiming to be unsuccessful, what are these men doing wrong??

After hours of research, interviews and observations, Sam Stone the author of "Online Dating Secret Revealed!" offers some potential root causes for these failures.

What are men doing wrong?

1. Not knowing what they are looking for.

Mistake men make:

The first most common mistake that men make is going online without a clear understanding of what they are looking for. The "what I'm looking for" section in a typical male profile on most dating sites includes little detail and is compiled of generic terms and characteristics. Most men don't even bother to define the height range of the woman they are looking for! Not surprisingly, they all say they are looking for someone slender or athletic.

Woman's Response:

The response such a generic profile gets is disappointing at best. In a subconscious way women interpret this type of profile as of a man who is weak and doesn't know what he's looking for. Women see this man as someone who is looking for attention from a woman, any woman. Most women rarely respond to such a profile. What woman wants to be "any woman"?

How to avoid pitfall:

Before going online to look for a date, a man must make sure that he knows what he is looking for. The best way to figure that out is to write down (actually write it, not just think about it) a list of the top qualities he is looking for in a woman. One should try to cover as many areas as possible. The next step is to narrow these qualities down to the top 15 and then to the top 5 qualities that are most important to him and list them on his profile. Doing so, the man will not only convey to a woman that he knows exactly what he wants but this also helps him to have an understanding of what is important to him in a woman which will save him time by focusing on those women who have those qualities and not just random women he meets online.

2. Not knowing what they have to offer. Aside from not knowing what they are looking for, the second most common mistake guys make is going online without knowing what they have to offer.

Mistake men make: Most men go online without putting much thought into what their attraction strategy will be and how they are going to present themselves. Many people (men and women) never stopped to take inventory of their lives. Most people live life on a day to day basis and never think of what the tapestry of their lives is made of. One must ask himself if he has ever taken the time to think about all the things he likes, all the things he is good at, all the things he has to offer to other people?

Woman's Response:

Women who actually bother to read this type of generic information catalog it as just "some guy" among many. This type of profile, without a clear attraction strategy, will not get many responses from women of quality, just like most Spam doesn't get many responses from people who receive it.

How to Avoid Pitfall:

Most people have at least some interesting things in their lives. A man interested in succeeding online must take the time to think about those things and use them to create an attraction strategy. For example, if a man is looking for very intellectual women that like to read, he must put a greater emphasis on that side of his personality in his profile. In this case, talking about wild parties might not result in attracting the type of women he is looking for.

3. How to approach a woman online?

Mistake men make:

Many guys make the mistake of using a generic feature called "wink" (also called "icebreaker", "flirt" and other names in different sites). Winks are usually free, some sites allow a quick pre-scripted text message that was created by the site owners, and can be sent to the girl the man is interested in. A generic "wink" can be compared to a pickup line that one found on the wall of a bar which may be seen and used by every individual in the bar.

Woman's Response

The woman receiving it has most likely already seen that line, heard it from a bunch of drunken guys who tried it on her earlier, and will consider the approach to be extremely pathetic. Unless it comes from a very attractive guy, or the first guy who ever approached her, there is little chance of getting the time of day from her and this approach will actually lower the value of the sender in her eyes.

In most cases attractive/intelligent/talented women get hundreds of winks a week, why would they even bother to look at a generic message?!

How to Avoid Pitfall:

How does one stand out then? The best way get a woman's attention is by using emails. If one already invested all this time going online He should probably cough up the $30 or so it costs to register to the site and send an email. It takes some more work, but this might actually get a response...

4. What to say?

Mistake men make:

Most guys don't know what to say in the first Email. The emails women get usually range from one liners saying "hey babe, what's up" to a 5 page emails describing every single thing the guy ever did in his life from birth to this moment. Both methods and what's in between them are bound to fail.

Woman's Response:

My study shows that the top three things that women are looking for are: § To have a good experience § To have fun § To meet a guy who will attract them emotionally.

Emails that include little or none of this will most likely be ignored.

How to Avoid Pitfall:

The email should convey the personality traits that women are attracted to: fun, humor, confidence, and social status. This doesn't mean that you need to tell a knock knock joke about your BMW... It's very simple actually, all a guy needs to do is be playful, and show that he is confident enough to talk to a woman.

E.g. sometimes girls will email the same first reply twice just because they clicked the send button twice by mistake. A good response to that would be to accuse them of being in love with you and to say that they will become your stalkers... if done in a funny way they will know that you are kidding and teasing them, and they will love it and write back to deny this...

5. How much is enough?

Mistake men make:

Once a guy finds a girl he likes, and she actually responds to his emails and starts an email exchange, it's very tempting to just keep the relationship online. However, it is highly discouraged to get into a lengthy email exchange.

Woman's Response

My study found that the more a guy emails the girl, the less likely he is to ever meet her. Another downside of a long email relationship is that the more the two email each other, the more of a "fantasy" about each other's personality is created in the couples' minds. These fantasies are not based on real behavior but on how the mind fills the gaps between what they know about each other through their emails and profiles and the real person. Once they meet, they will both discover that in most cases this fantasy is not real and they will both be disappointed.

How to Avoid Pitfall:

My study found that in order to successfully move on to the next step, an email exchange should be no more then 3-5 emails long before the guy asks the girl out on a date. In these emails, a guy should keep on trying to get to know her, and learn more about her while providing fun and interesting conversation to keep her coming back for more.

6. Assuming online attraction offline.

Mistake men make:

This is a trap many men fall into. A common reason for failure that came up again and again in the study was : "Our email exchange went so well, she kept complimenting me and saying how much she wants to meet me, but when we met it was as if we were strangers" This problem comes from assuming that online attraction automatically continues in the real world.

Woman's Response

When communicating online, the girl has very little to go by, so her brain (this goes for guys too) creates a fantasy guy that has all the qualities the man is displaying in the email. Of course, in many cases this "fantasy man" has nothing to do with the man she is communicating with.

When they meet, both of their fantasy worlds are shaken up and the woman feels as if she's meeting a stranger for the first time (suddenly the guy doesn't look or act anything at all like her fantasy guy). She suddenly has to deal with the transition from the safety of hiding behind a computer to actually standing face to face with a real live person.

How to Avoid Pitfall:

The way to overcome this is to re-generate attraction! How do you do that? It's simple; the guy has to recreate what he did in his emails. Tell funny stories, tease her, and demonstrate the attractive qualities we mentioned earlier. This should get her back to remembering all the good feelings she had when the guy was emailing her and will get her attraction back up again.

7. Not leading the online or offline conversation.

Mistake men make:

Many girls who date online expect their first date to be like an interview (in our study we even had a TV reporter that found it extremely hard to break from this structure...). The "Interview" style date is probably the worst way to have a first date! First of all, it's boring! A date shouldn't be a job interview; it should be fun, for both people. Second, it shows lack of confidence. Think about it, who does most of the talking when the guy "interviews" and asks the questions? She does! This "lets the guy off the hook" of being interesting, exciting and funny and doesn't really convey anything about his personality aside from being a good listener, but that's not one of the top qualities that is going to get the guy a new girlfriend. Third, an "interview" style date forces the girl to lead the conversation and most women are very uncomfortable in this situation; they don't feel comfortable leading the conversation.

Woman's Response

Many of the women that I interviewed indicated that their train of thought was: "I'm hot, I don't need to prove myself, this guy is just sitting there and nodding, probably just thinking about how I look naked" and similar comments to this.

How to Avoid Pitfall:

If the guy doesn't take control of the conversation from the start, he will most likely not get a second date. Taking control of the date means the guy must tell stories: funny ones, exciting ones, interesting or mysterious stories, he must keep the conversation going. A guy should spend the first 10 minutes or so of the date talking most of the time.

8. Falling in love before the first date.

Mistake men make:

Guys have a tendency to "fall in love" with a girl they meet online and feel that they need to "prove their love to her" even before they meet.

A guy shouldn't go overboard in doing thing for a woman at first. A guy should not show any supplicative behavior that shows that he needs to do anything besides being himself in order to get her to like him.

In some cases our study found guys who set up elaborate websites for women, or created online play lists for them with music they might like. It's very sweet, very romantic, but it's something that you do for someone that you know.

Woman's Response

Any time a guy goes out of the way to please a woman in order to get her to like him, he is lowering his value in her eyes. Would he go out of his way like this for a total stranger? No, and that's what she is right now... What the guy is communicating to the girl is "my personality alone is not worthy of your attention, so I will do things for you so that I become worthy".

How to Avoid Pitfall:

Once the couple has been dating for a while, the guy can go ahead and do nice things for her, but for now, he hasn't even met her in person yet. For all he knows, she might be a 13 year old boy messing with him online. A man needs to qualify her as to why she is worthy of his time, not qualify himself as to why he is worthy of her time!

9. Grow up!

Mistake men make:

The worst mistake a man could make in online dating (and in life as well) is not willing to act like a grown man. Many men get stuck in "Baby mode" - they aren't willing to grow up and realize that a grown man's' personality and behavior are not affected by a woman's reaction to them, or the results of the interaction with women.

A grown man will realize that not all women will be attracted to him, love him or that it takes work and time to get good at dating women. Grown men don't get offended when a woman doesn't write back to them, and as a result send her a nasty email talking about what a terrible person she is.

Woman's Response

Throughout our study I've seen emails from guys going through a whole range of negative emotions to why the girl didn't answer them while all that happened was that the girl was out of town and didn't mention it to them (in one case, the guy went from being cute to being self conscious "are you not answering me because of my looks?" and eventually he started using abusive language and ranting about her low sense of morality. Obviously, this type of behavior did not generate a positive response...

How to Avoid Pitfall:

Guys - Grow up! If a girl doesn't respond, or doesn't react like you want her to, follow up, try a different approach, and if that doesn't work, then move on... there are plenty of girls out there. (If you look at a typical large city there are about 60,000 eligible women in your age range, which means that even if you want to meet only 10% of them it will take 16.4 YEARS of going out on a first date every night to meet them all...).

10. This is the worst mistake of all!

The worst mistake a man could make in online dating and in life is not getting the help he knows he needs! Guys don't like to look weak and ask for help, but think about this: Two out of three men make enough mistakes online for them to think that "online dating doesn't work". Obviously, it does work for the other 1/3 of the people that are on it so its not "online dating" that does not work, it's something they are doing online that isn't working for them. Someone once said, "if you keep on doing the same thing, you'll always get the same results", this is why it's important to get help and try to fix some of these mistakes you are making, and not feel helpless when you are not getting any responses to your emails and profiles.

Sam Stone is the author of several books on dating and relationships including "Online Dating Secrets Revealed!", the "Confidence Manual" and of onlinedatingpro.com.

Readers can get additional free advice by registering to his mailing list at http://www.onlinedatingpro.com

Mr. Stone is also available for interviews upon request contact our publishing department at publishing@onlinedatingpro.com or samstone@onlinedatingpro.com

He's on the Line - Reel Him in by Playing Hard to Get!

Do you know how to tease a man to the point he's begging you to go out with him? How do you get the perfect man to invite you on a date without asking him yourself? What do you need to do to keep him interested once you have him? If you have no idea what the answers to these questions are, then you're just one of millions of women. It's time to change the rules; you're going to get him on the line and reel him in by playing hard to get.

As long as men and women have been in existence, women have been playing hard to get. Not every woman is an expert at playing this game, but every woman should become one. As little girls, women learn that if you chase little boys for a kiss, they run screaming in the opposite direction. When girls ignore the boys, then and only then do the boys find them interesting..

Here it is, plain and simple - men are hunters; they do not like to be chased. If you are always there, he does not have time to miss the good things about you, and since you are there, does he really need to think about you anyway? On the other hand, you do not want to act uninterested either. If you do, then he may think you are not interested.

Knowing exactly when to reel him in by playing hard to get requires delicate timing. When you first meet him, give him very little, only vague responses to keep him curious. At the same time, you also want to let him know that you are interested in him, but it must be a discreet signal. If he takes the nibble, then he's interested in you as well. If the line doesn't waver, then you probably need to recast the line.

You will be tempted, but do not call him first. Even if two months have gone by, and he still has not called, do not call him. If he has not called by that time, then he's not interested. Don't let it break your heart; he was not good enough for you, girl.

Normally if a guy is interested in a girl, he will wait a short while, and then call to invite her out for a date. When he calls, pretend you don't remember him for a few seconds. Remember, he's on the line; now we need to reel him in by playing hard to get.

Go ahead and say yes if you want to know him better. Don't accept the first date he offers you. Let him assume your days are quite busy, and no matter what, do not ever cancel other plans to go on a date. Even though you think he's wonderful may be the most important person in your life, he doesn't need to know that now.

Don't be nervous on the first date. It's not a marriage ceremony; it's a first day. Make him laugh; then let him discover that not only you are interesting but that you're also extremely intelligent. Some men are turned on by intelligent women; if he is, play that brain card but not too much.

Refrain from talking about your past boyfriends. Tonight, it is all about you and him. Get to know him and tell him about you. Under no circumstances, should you ever, ever bring a Bridal Magazine and the name of your priest to a first date. That is a huge NO.

Well now you know enough about fishing to get him to take your bait. Remember to leave him curious after every meeting and always wait for him to come to you. If you hold the line and follow these steps, you can easily reel him in by playing hard to get.

To learn more, click 77 Secrets of Love. If you're ready for a highly effective method that's different from what everyone else is teaching, click Make Him Love Now. You don't want to miss this!

This article is contributed by Tina Jones from the Unforgettable Woman Publishing Team. She works together with founder Alexandra Fox and writes dating/relationship articles for women. You can find more about Unforgettable Woman Publishing by visiting their website.

Online Dating - Increase Your Odds

You're a cute girl, so you have no problems getting dates, right? But lets face it. How often does the man of your dreams approach you at the grocery store and ask you out? Instead it's the 40 and never married guy with the comb-over from accounting who won't take no for an answer, or the lame-o in line at the bank that offers up cheesy lines like, "so you bank here huh?". In today's busy world with infinite ways to communicate with each other, why is it so hard to connect?

Back in the day it was a shameful little secret if you turned to the Internet for love. Uncomfortable silences ensued after someone revealed they met their true love in cyberspace. Well, things have changed. In fact, finding a mate online has many advantages. Say the hunkiest guy on the planet did walk up to you in the grocery store. You might be tempted to say yes to the date, only to find out on Date #3 (and countless hours wasted picking out the perfect outfit and primping in front of the mirror) that he loves to hunt wild game on safari (and has the mounted zebra head to prove it), collects Beanie Babies and lives in his mom's basement. With online dating, you can weed out the duds long before you meet face to face.

That being said, online dating takes some skill. As an attractive woman, you could get overrun by candidates within minutes of posting your profile-a profile you spent hours creating. In fact, Trish McDermott VP of Love and Chief Matchmaker for Engage.com says that even though women will state specific preferences in their profiles, some men respond regardless of whether or not they're a legitimate match.

"Many of the leading online dating sites use models that actually encourage inappropriate behavior, as there are no social consequences for this type of misbehavior," says McDermott. "Men contact women, even when they know they aren't legitimate candidates for a woman's romantic interest, because they can get away with it, and women feel overwhelmed and disrespected as a result."

So what's a girl to do? There are a few things you can do to improve your odds for success at online dating. For starters, if you're having trouble with one dating site, try a different one.

McDermott suggests setting up a "filter". "Be specific about the things that really matter in your profile. Do you ever wonder about questions that most dating sites ask, like the ideal eye color of a potential date? We really don't need to drill down into every attribute or quality a potential date might have, and no one wants to eliminate an otherwise fabulous match because his eyes were blue, rather than green. That said, we all have dating deal breakers. Why not be proactive and rather than waiting for men to contact you, try screening for all your deal breakers?"

According to McDermott, you want to be specific but not turn off potential suitors with snobbery. "To further narrow down the filed of contenders, you may have to be direct about the type of person you are seeking," she says. "If possible, focus on what you want, versus what you don't want. So instead of saying you don't want to date hunters, you might say you are especially passionate for animal rights activists. If you go negative, and list traits and attributes that disqualify people, you may come across as judgmental or mean spirited. "

So you've narrowed it down to a few lucky guys. But you've got a full-time job, 2 dogs and a guinea pig, yoga class three times a week, your chair of the local book club and can't miss weekly happy hour with the girls. How in the world do you make time for your virtual dates?

Pre-dates are a good way to manage your dating schedule. Pre-dates are quick meet and greets, like meeting for coffee or a dog play date. You have a built-in timeframe. If there's no chemistry, you really only have to stay for 20-30 minutes (I have to get back to work or Fluffy's due for his medication).

Another concern with meeting men online is that sometimes guys exaggerate their positive features. Maybe they posted a picture from five years ago when they had hair or didn't have that beer belly. There's really no way to avoid the fibbers without asking for a webcam session. If you're comfortable with that then go for it. Just make sure you can block the person after the fact if things don't work out. But say you've agreed to meet Bachelor #1 at a coffeeshop for a pre-date and you show up to find Bachelor Not a Chance in Hell, how do you make a gracious exit?

Experts say you should be honest, but use tact. Of course if you get a dangerous vibe from the person, take precautions. Always meet in a safe place and if you think a guy is acting strangely or threatens you, stay put and call a friend or ask an employee or security guard/police officer to escort you to your car. Before meeting keep personal information to a minimum (like where you work and live).

"I'm all for being kind (unless someone has purposely deceived me)," McDermott says " but frank in these instances. Cut the date, or pre-date, as short as you possibly can, thank him for taking the time to meet with you and let him know you just don't sense a good fit between the two of you, then smile, say goodbye and walk away."

And what if you are on the date and you start to get the feeling that the gorgeous guy sitting across from you is single because he's a closet chauvinist? McDermott says to smoke him out before you agree to meet Mr. Would-be Chauvinist.

"One red flag for chauvinistic men can be in their search criteria. If a man is only comfortable meeting women who are "less" than he is--younger, less educated, earning less income--that can be a sign that he thinks the man should always be more powerful, and the woman more dependent, in a relationship."

So now that you're an online dating expert, what are you waiting for? Get out there and find the man of your dreams.

A. Covington is a fashion and beauty writer. She lends her beauty IQ to her beauty blog. Her readers get a daily dose of beauty tips and cosmetics product reviews, plus articles on makeup, skincare, hair products, and the latest fashion trends. Amy maintains three blogs for Belisi Fashions, a luxury accessories brand based in Palm Beach.

How To Avoid Online Dating Fraud

A sad fact is that scammers are always trying to find new ways to exploit people when they are most vulnerable. One method that is on the rise is through online dating sites. At a time when people are trying to find a companion, there are leeches out there devising online dating scams, targeting people trying to find love.

Your best defense against such activities is to be cautious with everyone you communicate with online. Do not be blinded by your feelings of loneliness or while finding a companion. Remember that not everyone is who they seem online and there are telltale things that you can be look out for.

If someone claims to be of a certain nationality, but the way the write does not seem to match, you should be suspicious. Be alert to basic grammar or language errors. Also, look out for changes in grammar styles from message to message, as scammers often work in teams.

Immediate responses to every message you send, regardless of the time should raise a red flag. It is nice to feel like someone is always there for you, but if it feels like it is too much, it probably is.

Beware of people who hardly seem to divulge any information about themselves. It may seem like they are trying to hide their identities, which is okay as anonymity is expected in internet dating. However, they could also be trying to avoid being caught. It can be hard to keep multiple stories straight between several people. Consistent vagueness should raise suspicion.

On its own, an extremely attractive person should not be a red flag. However, when combined with other potential indicators, it may be too good to be true. Models and sexy people do use online dating sites, but scammers know everyone wants an attractive companion.

Scams will almost always result in money being lost. A scammer can go about requesting money many ways. You should never give money to a person you do not know, period.

A basic and frequently used tactic when asking for money is to give you a sad story that about a sudden misfortune. A family tragedy or accident are stories commonly used. Then they will hit you with the punch line: they need some money and you are the only one who they can count on. They might make promises to pay you as soon as possible.

Sometimes they will not ask for money outright. They could ask you to cash a check for them and then wire it to them. To sweeten the deal, you could be asked to keep a fraction of the money, which also makes you a part of the fraud. Of course, they will be long gone when the check bounces.

If you give someone money, chances are that you will never see it again. Do not be a victim of online dating scams. Use common sense and avoid being hit in your wallet and in your heart.

Receive free downloadable internet dating tips and romance books full of useful tips today. David Kamau writes objective dating site reviews at his site and blog.

The Ultimate Pickup Line! "Do You Believe in Love at First Sight? Or Should I Walk by Again?"

The sun is slowly drifting into the horizon and you set your gaze on your target from the dark corners of the bar. She's wearing this beautiful backless ruby-red dress that flawlessly drapes down her slim body and then onto her 3-inch gold-coloured sequined heels. The jet-black wooden floorboards and the dimly lit chandelier fixed above her give her almost a halo look. You then remove yourself from the dark shadows and position yourself at the end of the bar. You're ever so close because now she's only a couple of seats away. You gaze slyly at her again and this time she responds by smacking her supple red lips whilst giving her long dark hair a gentle toss to the left. Her sharp amber-brown eyes now scan for any slight movements in your facial expression. You sense that the gatekeeper has given you an opportunity to pass so you walk up to her and say...

"Hey, you're super hot Babe! You're like burning up in my atmosphere! May I buy you a drink?"

What do you think her response would be?

UrbanDictionary.com defines a pickup line as a "one-liner used to attract the opposite sex that can sometimes be effective, but usually comes off as cheesy and overly stupid." David DeAngelo, a well known dating coach in the United States defines a pickup line as "a form of merging an arrogant cocky attitude with being funny." He even goes to say that it is the most effective way of engaging someone's attention (only if you don't screw it up of course!). Irrespective of these definitions, I would be calling you a liar if you told me that you have never used a pickup line.

I'm sure pickup lines have even been used since the dawn of mankind. The only difference was that the Neanderthals used gifts of food as opposed to spoken language. All he had to do was go into the wilderness, find himself a plump-juicy deer, kill it and then take it back to the village for her. I'm sure quite a few of us would find this easier when compared to extreme trials and tribulations of the current dating scene.

When it comes to current dating scene, I'll admit that there is one line that I love to use. I use this not because I think it will work but because I think it's just an extremely smooth opener that is sure to get a cheeky smile out of her. "Excuse me. I think you owe me a drink." [She says, "Really? Why?"] "Because when I saw you from across the room I dropped mine. It was a gin and tonic, and I'm [insert name]". Now the beauty of pickup lines is that no matter what you say, if you deliver it with confidence and a reassuring smile then it might just actually work. In other words, believe it will work and you might be successful.

When it comes to really being successful, I love to sincerely compliment the girl on a subtle detail that adds an extra 20 minutes to the time she needed to get ready because this is what separates the gentleman from the little stuttering boys. Accompanying this is then a line that poses her a challenge. For example, "That's a gorgeous pendant around your neck but I was wondering if there is a personality to match." Is this the ultimate pickup line? Nah, not really because it's even simpler than that!

The ultimate pickup line is the line that exudes simplicity - It is the creme de la creme of ALL pickup lines. To me, nothing beats a simple "Hey, how are you doing?" When you think about it, it's not really a pickup line at all because it's just 5 words and a question mark. Forget about cheesy pickup lines! Forget about making an ass out of yourself! Genuinely ask her how she is and from her response, ask her another question. In terms of what to ask is an entirely different topic altogether but I'm sure you get me. Great conversationalists know how to ask questions and they say hardly anything at all because they know people love talking about themselves.

http://gentlemanplayer.wordpress.com/

One of the greatest joys in life, in addition to never failing to put a smile on my face, is the thrill of approaching, conversing and then finally connecting with someone with whom I've just met 15 minutes ago.

We meet people everyday i.e. at work when we first start a job, at the local bar where we have Friday night drinks, when we get a coffee at the local barista or during the weekend when we head off to an art exhibition. EVERYWHERE! It all seems natural but when it comes to meeting new people for love/sex/dating/relationships, something kicks in (I don't know if it's fear) and we seem to revert back to a Neanderthal stage where simple language skills are thrown out the window. Dating in my eyes is all about being a stronger communicator. In addition to this, it's about simple principles that are the backbone of how we all interact with one another.

My goal is to inspire men to become stronger communicators in all of their relationships.

The New Dating Game

Are you suddenly single again? Welcome to the new dating game. Now that dating on-line is an acceptable way to meet your "match," women often are making the initial contact. The first date is also the first impression. How can you make a positive impression?

You react to people based on how you perceive them. That's why you need to see a current photo of the person before you even agree to the first date. Ask for a photo if one is not included in the profile. Otherwise what is the person trying to hide?

Your perceptions of the on-line profile and first date are influenced by your perceptual styles: Audio, Visual, Feeler, and Wholistic. You are a combination of all four styles but the primary style influences your actions and reactions the most.

For those with Audio as the primary style, maintaining personal control is important.

If she is an Audio, the man may feel this "in-control" power emanating from her rather than warmth. Audios like being the boss. She might speak her mind and perhaps talk with a confrontational tone without even realizing it. He may back off because this is too forward for him.

Remedy for female Audios: Lighten up and be sensitive to your date's feelings. Allow him to pursue you rather than badgering him. If you relax and realize if it's meant to be, it will happen, that you can't make it happen, you will be more in balance with all four of the perceptions. Your softer side will emerge.

If he is an Audio, the woman might be turned off by his sarcasm or that he cuts her off if she doesn't get to the point. If she rambles he will become impatient. It's all right if she contacts him but he will prefer to take charge when dating. His bluntness is normal for him but might sting if she's a Feeler. Audios are not particularly romantic. They like a meeting of the minds-a stimulating dinner conversation makes for a great date.

Remedy for male Audios: Add a little romance to dating. Women like the attention. Avoid sarcasm and impatience, as they are big turn-offs. Instead, reveal your quick wit and be sensitive to her feelings. Although you like being the boss, remember she is your date, not your employee.

For those with Feeler as the primary style, giving and receiving love is a top priority.

If she is a Feeler, her desired outcome is: "I want him to share his life with me." However, this sets up unspoken expectations for her date. On a TV reality show, Hooking Up, one woman said upfront that she was looking for a husband. Honesty is refreshing. Feelers like to please people. Therefore they might like to do "considerate" things, such as appearing at his door with a batch of homemade cookies, but with hopeful expectations that they will be greatly appreciated.

Remedy for female Feelers: Be aware that the desire to please others causes you to have a difficult time saying no to requests-an easy target for men. Some men might perceive your "being considerate actions" as smothering actions. Instead, they will enjoy your natural enthusiasm for living-your fun side. They will also respond to your warmth.

If he is a Feeler, he will definitely be a touchy, feely type of guy and might feel that he can't keep his hands off of you. He will talk with enthusiasm about things he likes. He is a bit of a romantic in that he likes to do things that make you smile. However, if he likes you, you might feel a bit smothered.

Remedy for male Feelers: Touching her arm when talking and holding hands or putting your arm around her when walking is acceptable on the first date if there is a connection between you. But when you submit to "I can't keep my hands off of her," you might be moving too fast and she'll start to push back. Feelers often go off on tangents when talking. Ask questions to get her involved as well.

For those with Visual as the primary style, their Achilles' heel is perfectionism.

If she is a Visual, she can easily become frustrated or depressed because she can't seem to find the "perfect" man. If the date isn't turning out as she visualized it, her disappointment may transfer to him-it's his fault. Therefore, she might be critical of some of his behaviors but believe, "If you love me, you'll be willing to change."

Remedy for female Visuals: Let go of perfectionism. Otherwise you might miss many likeable qualities simply because he doesn't appear initially as you visualized him. If you love each other but there are a few behaviors that bother you, talk about it and offer solutions! Instead of expecting that he needs to change or you will change him, you'll find that he is willing to adapt if your requests make sense. But you also need to be willing to make concessions for him.

If he is Visual, he is a romantic. He might go all out in courting you with flowers and more. If you are responsive, he will be delighted. If you're critical or don't show appreciation, he might withdraw into his shell and become silent. He is sensitive as are Feelers. He is talkative including all the details, but his humor often makes his stories entertaining.

Remedy for male Visuals: A small bouquet/single rose is fine for the first date. Then find out what she likes so you can plan romantic dates that you both like. You're talkative side is entertaining to a point but allow time for her to talk too. If she isn't overtly appreciative of your romantic settings, don't take it personally. It doesn't mean that she didn't notice.

For those with Wholistic as the primary style, once they get the gist of something, they take action.

If she is Wholistic, when she spots someone on-line that attracts her, she won't hesitate to contact him and write, "Let's get together." She can quickly sense whether the two of you might click unless her perceptions are clouded by desperation. Then she might be blinded with, "I know you could love me if you'd just give me a chance."

Remedy for female Wholistics: You are spontaneous and adventurous. This can be a turn-on for some men but for others who like planning the whole date, a sudden change will be upsetting to them. They might say, "But I thought we were going to do this." Rein in your impulsiveness a bit if he is one that likes more structure. Be sensitive to what he has planned.

If he is Wholistic, he might make up his mind quickly about you. If he doesn't reply to your e-mail message despite how strongly he "courted you" in his first messages, he's lost interest. If he doesn't call after the first date, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It just means he wants to move on rather than waste time on a relationship he intuitively knows won't work.

Remedy for male Wholistics: Since you are bored with routine, express on your first date that you like to be spontaneous according to your moods. However, she needs to know what to wear so keep that in mind. You are also adventurous but horseback riding might terrify her. Ask her if she would enjoy what you are considering rather than springing it on her.

No matter what is your style, the best impression you can make on a first date is a positive and friendly attitude while you listen attentively. Also listen to your feelings during the date. No matter how nice or attractive your date might be, if you don't feel any connection, be honest and move on. If you string him or her along, it will only make it more difficult to tell the truth later.

Carol Welsh, M.S. has over 25 years of experience as a speaker and workshop facilitator. She?s the author of Stop When You See Red (2005). Her Web site is http://www.stopred.com

Love Online - Why Relationships Are Ending With a Click

You know that line from the T.S. Eliot poem, "The world ends not with a bang but a whimper"?

Could it be possible that modern relationships aren't even getting that far, with many terminating with nothing but the gentlest of mouse clicks?

Talking to a friend's sixteen-year-old daughter, a casual discussion about her "love life" led to some disturbing discoveries about love online.

While she enthusiastically recounted wonderful conversations, brilliant games and exciting holiday plans that she had shared with the man of the moment, when I asked about actual times, places and dates she became strangely subdued.

Finally she admitted that things were fine online...but the pair had never spoken a word face-to-face.

Single White Female, Looking for Committed Texter

I could see that she was upset by this fact and encouraged her to talk about it.

This is what she had to say about a young girl discovering love online:


When we are actually in the same room, we have nothing to talk about.

I feel so embarrassed when he looks me in the eye that I have to look away.

Talking to someone face-to-face is a lot of hard work.

It's much better to rehearse and edit what you want to say.

If I see a guy in person, I get so nervous I just tell him to text me.

It was my turn to become subdued. This list of concerns seemed to have overwhelmed her. When I asked her if she had worked through any of these issues with a special guy, she looked at me as if I had suggested she bungee jump off a building without a rope. Oh no. She and her girlfriends had decided to take another tact.

They are only going to have relationships with guys who are really good texters.

As I tried desperately to find an appropriately G-rated comment, she added with wide-eyed sincerity, "People are just so much nicer in their profiles, than in person."

Forget about Mr Right, or even his brother Mr Right Now.

Many of today's young women, it seems, are only developing relationships with Mr Right Click.

You Have Mail

It's a given that modern forms of communication like the mobile and the Internet are incredibly efficient and accessible for teens.

But they also distance users from both other people and reality.

How many of you out there now prefer to get a text than a phone call?

How many of you have been "dumped" or broken off a friendship via email?

Who has a username that is slightly mysterious or fanciful?

Whose avatar is reflective of a component of of their fertile, inner person rather than their yearbook photo...(or is everyone out there really a superhero with a name usually reserved for birds of prey..?)

As a teenager I had a number of pen-pals, and even exchanged some infatuated letters.

Protected by the physical distance such communication allowed, I could speak openly and honestly about a whole range of topics. I didn't need to worry about my voice catching in my throat or the spinach lodged in my braces. I wasn't distracted by having to interpret the body language signals that ping off adolescent males like alien transmissions.

But most of these pen-pals lived in highly accessible places like Finland and Columbia and it was unlikely that our paths would cross at the local fish and chip shop.

So, like desperate teenagers everywhere, I had to "put myself out there".

This was painful, yes, with lots of embarrassing moments where I suddenly lost the ability to speak English or where I tripped over a floral pattern on the carpet.

But I survived and even learned to ride that thrilling wave that lifts you relentlessly towards the most humiliating of moments, only to have the object of your affection smile at you and say the most perfect thing.

This - any young readers out there - is a phenomenon called "dating".

Beyond the Pick Up Line

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Dating is ultimately about communication.

If you examine those rare creatures who can turn the most horrific dating experience into a smashing success, you will usually find that they are great communicators.

I have a friend who has dated widely and successfully for a number of years. She has her fair share of cringe-worthy moments, but instead of taking a mishap as a personal affront, she looks at it as a challenge and does everything in her power to make it work out.

This includes applying some of the basic rules of effective communication.

Here are six of the principles for communicating effectively, that I have applied to a dating scenario for any face-to-face first-timers:



Know Your Audience - if your online exchanges have been truthful, you probably already know a lot about your date. Prove this by asking questions about some of their interests. Encourage them to learn more about you by sharing some personal stories or insights. Focus on the story, not on your sweaty palms and before you know it you will be conversing faster than you could ever touch type!




Know your Purpose - be clear about why you are spending time with this person. If you have been honest about your intentions online, then this should be a breeze. Even say upfront what you want to get out of the date, so there are no crossed wires.




Know your Topic - on a date, your topic is simple: you and the person you are spending time with. Come prepared to talk, even if you have to rehearse some anecdotes before you go. Years later when you're sitting together in the old people's home looking back on fifty years of marriage you can laugh about the cue cards you took in your pocket on your first date!




Anticipate misunderstandings - face-to-face communication with anybody is open to miscommunication. Expect that you will disagree on things or that you might not express your thoughts as clearly as the wonderful essays you construct online. Learn to clarify your views and to laugh off disagreements.




Communicate a little at a time - short dates are often good dates! You can also restrict the conversation by going to a movie or game where body language can do most of the work.




Present information in several ways - face-to-face communication is only one form of expression. Texting, phone calls, emails, letters are all excellent ways to communicate - they just shouldn't be the only ways!

Reading Between the (Blog)Lines

Ultimately what makes us great communicators is our ability to read other people.

With body language making up so much of the communication we share with others, it is essential that we encourage our young people to develop the skills of reading other people's emotions and intentions.

But it seems to me that in the case of my young friend this has been taken literally, with a focus upon reading, rather than engaging with the people around her.

As a writer and teacher and avid reader, I urge people to keep reading and to explore the way other people present themselves on paper.

But if more than a one-dimensional understanding is your goal, then put the mobile and mouse aside and communicate with the person, rather than the profile.

The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.

-George Bernard Shaw

I am a teacher, trainer, writer and management consultant with a passion for inspiring women. My sister and I run a company devoted to providing women with the tools and support to make changes in their lives. Our business is called Outfit because we believe in delivering outcomes that fit the needs of our clients.

Balancing Your Love and Dating Ways

Love is what many individual surely lack in substance. You can't blame them because we all suffer from this lack in our own stride. No one in the whole wide world who can talk of love as a professional on that line, or gifted in manners of affection. If there is anything that makes all humanity equal, it is the fact that we all lack in knowing what love really is, because it is in a world of its own.

Love exists in a dimension that is different from any other realm that we might be gained access to as human beings. We can't blame ourselves for the kind ideas we harbor about dating and love. We stand in the line of love; it's just that it makes so much sense to us as individuals more than it does when we are a crowd. Love is such that no one can argue about the way we carry out things in our life. It is more important when we involve ourselves in dating instances as we aim at trying to unravel the meaning that love has.  

The good thing with the issue of endearment is that there are so many things in life that we can't argue about. No one can argue with you as to why you think love is blue or, why you think that love comes in a silver lining. Neither can one doubt the fact that love is a consequence of what you have lacked in your life. What love is all about, can be seen in the line of a relationship with another person with whom, we have ideas and notions of making the relationship to go places. 

 Love and dating are two things god ordained that so that two people or two strangers who have begun learning to live and know each other might be able to leave their families and love ones, as tough and hard as it can be, and make a front in life as one person. Love is ultimately the glue that makes a human being normal for the rest of your life and lives to tell the tale.  

You make a point of trusting a person you might never leave for the rest of your life, till death does you apart. It is the essence of dating and marrying at the height of the relationship. This only happens when you think that you are not waiting for anything else, or for anybody and you are ready for that next step. You realize that you will be seeing the same face for the rest of you life, which can be for thirty, fifty or eighty and more years. It is not a joking or a simple laughing matter; it is the reason as to why love was created, so the humans can use it as a testing rod of whether the attraction is there. Once you find that you love the other person like nobody business, it is a high time that you begin making it official to all and sundry.

Francis K. Githinji Is An Online Dating Expert. His Latest Project Free Online Dating Service [http://www.tomydate.com/] Shows How The Power Of Online Dating Can Be Harnessed Internationally and With Great Success, Or You Could Post Your Valued Comments On His Blog At Dating [http://www.tomydate.com/blog/?p=7241]

Speed Dating: Take a Lesson from "Citizen Kane"

Can You Really Make Out In Ninety Seconds? Or Is It Just One More Way of Killing Time?

"A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn't see me at all, but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought of that girl." --From Mr. Bernstein, as played by Everett Sloane in "Citizen Kane.

We have all stood in a checkout line and wrestled with the merits of chatting up a person we found so utterly attractive. Most likely, you did a little time assessment, calculating how long it would before it was her turn at the cashier and then out the door and gone from your life. Forever. With each ticking second your anticipation grew as you weighed the odds of success versus the usually greater odds of rejection and the added embarrassment of looking like a jerk.. Should you go for it and risk making as ass of yourself? Or would you end up like poor Mr. Bernstein, lamenting into his old age about the girl that might have been?

Okay, you probably just stood there and didn't take the risk, letting inaction bitch slap your destiny. Let's face it, if we were truly made of hardier stuff, we would always be taking greater risks. But if you did decide to pursue your impulses you are indeed the rare one. You are a romantic kamikaze.

Well, now with the advent of Speed Dating you hitting on a potential companion is not as risky a proposition. You get the entire thrill of making a good impression quickly, but in a user friendly environment. In some ways it's like going trout fishing in stocked pond. Nevertheless, it is no secret that Speed Dating is popular all over the world,. Among other places, there are Speed Dating services throughout the United States, the U.K., Western Europe, Australia, and even South Africa.

Speed Dating was founded by a Rabbi Yaacov Deyo in 1999. The idea was established to keep young Jewish singles from seeking their paramours outside their religion. Since then it has expanded well beyond the bounds of its Jewish tradition and has been adopted by different religious and secular groups alike. It is a quick way for people to get to know each other on a fundamental basis. Or at the very least it's a great way to avoid blind dates and fix ups from your mother and pitying friends. Most speed dating services plan, overall, anywhere from sixty to ninety minutes sessions.

For the five people out there who still may not know how Speed Dating works, here is the general idea. Speed Dating agencies organize events at fun but relaxing places. They invite equal numbers of each sex, hand them a name tag or ID number and a scorecard. Couples are paired up for a pre-allotted amount of time, with the idea that couples get to know each other on a basic level. A whistle blows and you discreetly mark down whether you are interested in seeing that person again. You then move on to the next prospect, and follow the same process, until you run through the gamut or prospects.

You then submit your card to the Speed Dating service, and if the person you want to see also wants to see you, they arrange for the hook up. You then move on to traditional dating with the general idea being you are attempting to form a serious relationship rather than a hot night and a tallyho until the next speed dating session comes to a theater near you.

Does it work? Some say it does, and some say it doesn't. They say about half come away with a potential match. Whether this is a result of genuine attraction or a means of justifying the money you laid out for a Speed dating session is anyone's guess. However, the odds of finding someone can't be any worse than your usual blind date or what you can drag from a bar.

Speed Dating advocates claim most people can tell if someone is their kind of person in the first thirty to ninety seconds of meeting them. Skeptics argue that often the first impressions do not always tell the entire tale and that makes people prone to rash decisions. They say sometimes you need more time to find the things you would have in common. Then again, some people spend a lifetime together to find out they never did have much in common.

Perhaps the greatest controversy in the speed dating circuit and among the different purveyors of the service is determining the correct number of minutes prospects should spend with each other before moving on to the next potential love interest. Orthodox believers in the first impression think ninety seconds to three minutes is probably enough time to schmooze and choose. Others argue six to ten minutes is the proper time allocation for preliminary courtship. General consensus is each "date" should be at least six minutes but not more than eight.

The trade off of course is quantitative versus qualitative. If you spend less time with one person, you don't get to learn as much about them. But then you can cram more "dates" into the allocated session. That translates into an even greater selection of people you don't get to know all that much about.

Then again, if you spend more time with one person, there are fewer prospects to look forward to over the course of the night. Perhaps that helps you really focus in on the ones you have before you. Focus, however, is not always a good thing, especially when the person sitting across from you is either boring or obnoxious. Then you start longing for the bygone days of shorter "dates."

I watched a speed dating session on TV. As with football and politics, armchair insights on speed dating may imbue one with the illusion of a sharper perspective. The literal and figure objective distance may also provide keener perception on the quirks and foibles of the engaging parties. For me, I was struck by the repetition of the opening line, which was without fail, "What do you do?"

Perhaps there is no better opening than "What do you do?" Perhaps it helps qualify like no other phrase in this world. But when I heard "What do you do?" become a relentless refrain I couldn't help but wonder if there wasn't another way to break the ice. But then in the opening act of the twenty first century we as a general civilization are not much regarded for our originality and witty banter. Culturally speaking, we are a long, long way from the Algonquin and far too close too seventh grade.

I could be called to task for even noting this, if it had not been for the bemused looks on the "daters'" faces as they were forced to repeat the same question--"What do you do?" I could see by contestant number three they were starting to get a little numb, and unless Mr. or Miss Terrific came along pretty soon nothing was about to rouse them from their reverie. After awhile I stared hoping that magic would strike, that chemistry of instant attraction or, better, love at first sight. It was just another guy in a polo shirt and khakis.

Because it was being taped for TV show some of the daters were interviewed. Some claimed they found a genuine prospect. Others mumbled something about possibilities. Some lied. But even the most optimistic, their voices and body language betrayed their true emotions. It was an okay experience, they allowed, but you could tell they were vaguely disappointed. But remember, this was but one session on one TV show. Maybe being on television roused greater expectations.

Well, like it or not, speed dating is growing more popular with each passing and disappointing weekend. There is all sorts of ancillary information as in what to wear and how to behave. For dress,most suggest Khakis or dress slacks for men, with a nicely pressed sports shirt. For women, the sites suggest everything from business gear to jeans, but warn against anything too revealing. Most sites offer gentle reminders about hygiene and good grooming, suggesting showers, clean hands and clipped fingernails. Keep the perfumed scent down so they don't smell you coming nor remember you a day after you left. This goes for men and women.

Frankly, no matter whom you meet and what the speed dating services promise in terms of character and stature, it always pays to run a background check on anyone you don't know and are thinking of dating. If you are a single parent, it is even that much more important to make sure who you bring into your house is not more interested in your kids than they are in you. There are many scumbags out there of one sort or another, and online dating and other modern dating services give them more access to you, not less.

That said, speed dating seems harmless enough and a good way to spend the night. It is a bit like gambling, where instead of seeing if you can win any money you are betting on romance. And like gambling it is probably fun to do now and then, but not too often. I would think frequent speed dating would cause all those names and faces to run together.

As for its bottom line merits, like most romantic pursuits there is no bottom line. Like beauty, it belongs in the eyes of the beholder. If you are successful in finding someone worth dating, then it is an exhilarating experience, I'm sure. If you met no one, then it's another rotten waste of time. But let's face it, if you are anywhere north of twenty one you have already found a thousand different ways to waste time. So what's one more?

Besides, with speed dating you can polish your skills for your short game. You can be a formidable romantic when time is short and the desire is high.

You should be hell on wheels in the supermarket checkout line.

Gordon Basichis is the author of the best selling Beautiful Bad Girl, the Vicki Morgan Story, a non-fiction novel that helped define exotic sexuality in the late twentieth century. He is also the author of The Constant Travellers, a sci-fi fantasy Western. The first chapter of Basichis' new book Chinese Takeout, a Roman A'Clef detailing Chinese Espionage in the United States, is featured in a forthcoming anthology, Sleeping with Snakes, Notes from the Los Angeles Underbelly.

A professional marketing executive, Basichis is also co-founder of Corra, which as the Corra Group specializes in pre-employment and online dating background checks, as well as corporate research and investigation.