Long Distance Dating: Romantic or Frantic?

It sounds like something out of a fairy tale. She's in Los Angeles: he's in

New York. They met through an online dating service, started with e-

mail, moved up to phone chatting and now they're sure they're in love.

Only problem is--they have never met in person.

But they can both tell it's the real thing. It must be love--how else could

the talks they have on the phone be so intimate and make them feel so

close? Sure, it will be difficult and expensive to get together, but hey, this

is true love! And sure, if they are to be together that means one of them

has to give up their whole lifestyle--family, friends, work, etc.--and

move thousands of miles away just to be with the other.

If you've never been in one of these long-distance romances you might

wonder why in the world anyone would try to start a romance with

someone who lives so far away. Ask any pop psychologist and they'll

tell you it's a perfect set-up for people who are afraid of commitment.

The long-distance lover gives you a place to focus all your romantic

fantasies of having the perfect person to love, without any of the

romance-dampening realities--like discovering that they yell and throw

things when angry, or they hate being around your friends, or that they

see nothing wrong with a drink or two before noon.

When you have just broken up with someone or when you have been

on an endless merry-go-round of dates that go nowhere or when it's

been months and months since you met anyone to date, you can

become vulnerable to the lure of long-distance romance. I may seem

very opinionated on this subject, but that's because I'm trying to save

you from the heartache of another relationship gone bad.

Let's get one thing straight--this is dedicated to people who want a

serious, long-term, committed, monogamous love relationship. If you just

want to play, then you might find long distance dating exciting and fun.

But if you want to find the right kind of partner and develop a real love

relationship, you are going down a dead end road if you get involved

with someone who is too far away.

What's Too Far Away?

What's "too far away"? It actually has more to do with time than with

actual distance in miles. Based on my experience I'd say that if it takes

more than an hour's travel time for you two to get together, that's too far

away. I tried it with several good prospects that I met dating online who

lived over an hour away and it was just too difficult for us to get together

on any kind of regular basis. Sometimes two or three weeks would go by

before we could get our schedules to mesh well enough to see each

other.

Believe me, all it takes is a few nerve-wracking 90-minute drives through

Southern California traffic to take the luster off your budding romance.

And that's if they are only 60 or 70 miles away. As a relationship

develops you want to spend more and more time with the person. You

can put up with the travel time at the start when everything is new and

exciting, but it gets old rather quickly.

So now you should know what's coming next. If I'm telling you 60 miles

is too far, what do I think about hundreds or thousands of miles? That's

relationship roulette--and the house always wins! Okay, I know you've

heard stories about one of these long distance deals that did work out.

They flew across the country to see each other, it was instant chemistry

and they got married and lived happily ever after. What are the chances

that it will happen that way for you? Pretty close to zero. (I'd bet that

lovely couple in the story is no longer together a year or two later.)

The One Hour Rule

So here's the bottom line: long distance dating is DUMB! Don't do it if

you want a real love relationship with a real person. Make up your mind

right now to put the One Hour Rule into effect. There are many people

that are a good match for you within one hour from your home (except

maybe if you live in the Australian outback or Alaskan wilderness). We

all have many more than just one soul mate on the planet at any given

time.

I used to live 6,500 feet up in a little mountain town of 6,000 people

where I could not find any men I wanted to date. So I got on the net and

did a search for men within 40 miles and dozens of profiles popped up.

One of them was my future husband, living right at the bottom of the

mountain. There he was, but how would I ever have met him without the

online dating service?

It took about 45 - 50 minutes for us to drive to one another's homes, and

by the time we'd been dating for 6 months or so we were really tired of

all the driving. But that was long enough to determine that we wanted to

get engaged, move in together and eventually get married.

You must want a great long-term relationship or marriage if you've read

this far. So develop a rock-solid resolve deep in your heart that you will

not be tempted into starting a long distance online flirtation with anyone,

no matter how cute their photo is or how perfect they seem in their

profile. It is an utterly futile pursuit and will NOT get you to your goal.

The best thing to do is to clearly state your "No long distance dating"

preference right up front in your profile and then stick to your guns.

Some lunkhead that lives four states away will still try to contact you and

you can just ignore their message or send a blank reply with NO LONG

DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS or NOT INTERESTED in the subject line if

you want to give them the courtesy of a reply.

Advanced Search Options

The better dating services have advanced search options that let you

choose a geographical category according to zip code or number of

miles. You know what the average travel times will be in your home area

and can figure out which zip codes or how many miles will keep you in

the under one hour category.

When you first do your own searches restrict them to people 20 - 30

minutes away. Most people will find plenty of prospects in a nearby

geographical area. If you're not having any luck expand your search

criteria to 45 minutes or 60 minutes at the most.

There may be times when you feel lonesome and bored, when you

haven't met anyone really interesting in a long time. That's the time

when your resolve will be tested. You'll start to think "Oh, well...here's a

message from someone who's only 3 hours away. Maybe I'll just check

out their profile." This is dangerous thinking that could very well put you

on the road to disaster. Remember that while you are fooling around

with the wrong person, you are not available for the right person when

they do show up.

So now you're thinking, "Boy, this lady is tough on us poor singles!" Yes,

I'm being tough here for a good reason. People like you and me who

value and cherish the idea of having a great marriage have to be tough

enough to say NO to situations that have little or no chance of producing

the long-term relationship we want.

I'm glad that I instituted the One Hour Rule for myself and stuck to it, no

matter what. That's why I was able to find my great guy living close

enough so we could really get to know each other. And that's why that

great guy and I are happily married today. I sincerely want the same for

you! The One Hour Rule will help you get there faster.

Barbara Wright Abernathy is the author of Venus On Top: Women Who Are Born to Lead and the Men Who Love Them. Read FREE chapters and get your FREE report?3 Biggest Mistakes People Make While Dating at http://www.venusontop.com

Love Online and Being Romantic

If there are six billion people on earth and growing, isn't it fair to assume there has to be one out there for you? You might be thinking, "Yeah, but how do I meet that person? Is it possible the one for me is living on the other side of the world?" Maybe. Lucky for you, however, now you can find romance and love online. If you've already had the experience of blind dating in real life, why not try a blind date online? You never know who you might hit it off with, right from the comfort of your own home. No fussing over your hair and makeup, no worrying about ending the date early. Just sit back, relax, and chat online.

In a world where it's getting harder and harder to meet that special someone, here are some of the reasons to look for love online:

No tense feelings, no awkwardness

Have you ever considered that the reason your dates go badly is due to both of your nervousness? It can be hard to open up and just be yourself with a complete stranger. Chatting with a potential romantic partner online can take away the uneasy feeling that usually accompanies a first date. You don't need to worry how you look, what to wear, how to hide a pimple, etc. The person on the other end gets a chance to know your personality first, which can be a great advantage if you have insecurities about your appearance, weight, or anything else. The great part about getting to know someone online is that the pressure is gone. Sure, you might be nervous the first time you meet that same person face to face, but at least it will be easier than having a completely blind meeting. Also, you're not wasting any time in your social life because you can "date" any time of day as long as you're in front of your computer. No more coming home on a Saturday night after a bad date and feeling like you just wasted part of your precious weekend.

You can go at your own pace, you have the control

Since online dating gives you numerous ways to interact - chat, text, voice chat, web cam chat, email, etc. - you can pick the ways that feel right for you. Maybe you're not ready to do video chat but love talking on the phone. Maybe you prefer email because you can respond whenever you feel like it. With online dating, you have the control and can set your own pace. If the person you're talking to suddenly reveals something you don't want in a partner or find unsuitable, it's easy to simply stop the communication. You can become as emotionally attached as you want without the pressure of seeing the other person face to face.

Geographical barriers gone

You can find the love of your life or just an online date anywhere in the world. If you're lucky, you may even learn a new language, understand more about someone's culture, or have the chance to travel. Another great thing about this? Let's say you know you're going to be moving to Spain for a new job in six months. Many dating sites allow you to choose the location where you'd like to find someone. So, you can have a bunch of dates lined up before you even arrive in your new town. Also, you may actually find the person you've always been looking for in an entirely different state or country. If it seems like there are no decent people to date in your town, you aren't stuck with limited options. As long as you have an open mind and a willingness to talk to people in different locations, you could find exactly what you're looking for online.

One thing to keep in mind is that online dating shouldn't be an excuse to lie about your appearance or hide behind the safety of your computer. After all, isn't the whole point to find real love eventually? As a romantic guy myself, I've found that there are plenty of ways to be sweet and creative online. Send virtual flowers, an eCard, or funny jokes. Just use your imagination. Your communication doesn't have to be limited to just chatting and email. If you take your time and really get to know someone, you might be surprised at how easy it can be to find love online. The best part is that when you finally meet the person you've been talking to for weeks, or even months, you'll probably feel completely free to be yourself and take the relationship even further.

http://www.wiserdating.com/love-online/love-online-and-being-romantic/
http://www.wiserdating.com/

Smart Dating Tips For Women - Beware Of Romantic Men With No Hearts!

Twenty years after high school I had a brief reunion with my teenage sweetheart, Sue. During our conversation, Sue reflected back over her life and said to me, "Steve, you're the most romantic man I ever met."

That compliment stuck with me for many years without much afterthought until recently. What I realize now is that being a romantic man is something that is largely overrated by women in today's mainstream culture. For sensitive women looking for real love, a man with a romantic personality but who is lacking in true heart emotions is one of the worst kinds of guys to get involved with.

Here's why.

In my Writer's Digest award-winning relationship book, Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man, I briefly described the following five ingredients of a desirable male love partner:

• Talent: Physical appearance, intelligence/common sense, money/wealth/success

• Game: Sense of humor, confidence/personal power, conversational skill/charm

• Heart: Emotional warmth/kindness, ability to listen/understand, sense of gratitude/appreciation

• Character: Responsibility/maturity, ability to handle adversity, honesty/integrity

• Fit: Shared human values, compatible lifestyle habits, harmonious personalities, matching relationship goals

A truly romantic man is one who combines the ingredients of "Game" and "Heart" to win over the affections of a woman he desires. When this man also possesses abundant "Talent" along with the general impression of strong "Character" and good "Fit," you have the kind of guy that any woman would find attractive at first glance. But what most women don't realize is that it's possible to meet a man with lots of "Game" but with little or no "Heart" or "Character."

I should know because that's the kind of guy I used to be.

Growing up when I did being romantic was mainly about having the confidence and style to impress the heck out of women. My unconsciously role model at the time was the fictional movie character, James Bond 007 played by Sean Connery. His combination of good looks, athletic physique, stylish clothes, high self-confidence, fearlessness, charm, and intelligence made him irresistible to women on the Big Screen.

But in actuality, the James Bond character was also a cold-blooded killer and compulsive womanizer. Being "romantic" was just part of his personality. To possess the kind-heart, compassion, warmth, tenderness, gratitude, trust, and love of a genuine relationship partner would make him completely ineffective as a secret agent.

So while being romantic is a desirable quality to have in a man, it doesn't make for a good love partner unless the man also possesses the finer qualities of a good heart. The romantic man with no heart is the most deceptive yet confident guy that a woman will ever meet. He will also be the kind of man that a woman will naturally grow to resent eventually.

On the other hand, the lesser-romantic man with a big heart is the saddest guy from a male perspective. This is the man who needs to learn the art of romance and develop the high self-esteem to go along with it. Otherwise, he's the guy who gets passed over by the majority of women these days even though he possesses the genuine kind of love to give and share. As long as the truly loving man isn't a clueless romantic dead-weight, he will be a love partner that a woman will come to love and respect over time.

THE BOTTOM LINE

A smart sensitive woman should beware of romantic men whose behavior is personality-driven rather than that which comes from the genuine spirit within. She should wisely invest her heart in potential love partners who have respect for all human beings and understand that love is naturally attracted into the lives of those who give generously with kindness, compassion, warmth, gratitude, and trust.

Steve Nakamoto - "The Voice Of The Other Half"
iVillage.com's Ask Mr. Answer Man Relationship Expert
2-Time Writer's Digest Award-Winning Author
- Author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man - Talk Like A Winner! 21 Simple Rules For Everyday Communication Success - Dating Rocks! The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love

http://www.SteveNakamoto.com