In our attempt to find... "the one," we may dance with many trolls. Some may become serial daters for a time, going from one to another. Below are questions and answers that may assist you on this journey. Ultimately, he or she will show up when you understand, love, honor and respect yourself in your totality. Until then... it's an exploration of self and your beliefs with endless probabilities. Enjoy the possibilities.
Q. Why is it that so many women try to change us men after they get into a serious relationship with us?
A. Trying to change another is always about control and fear. Most often, we want to control something when we feel most out of control ourselves. Many women, because of their own insecurities have problems trusting men. Because our beliefs mirror what we bring into our lives, those women often come from controlling fathers and former controlling mates and lovers. In their attempt to break free, these women will, in new relationships, attempt to be the controller out of fear of being controlled themselves. It is the belief, "If I do it to you first then you can't do it to me." Here is a possible scenario: It takes time to really get to know another. Perhaps a woman falls in love with a guy, sincerely thinks he is "the one," only discover with time that he loves watching football, golfing on the weekends, gambling, and smoking occasional joints. She might still love him but finds these behaviors unacceptable. Therefore, rather than being honest about her feelings and needs, she fears losing him (he is a warm body after all), and therefore, attempts to "change" him. Neither person remains content in this relationship and it is time for a change... accept what is or move on.
Q. Former girlfriends have been upset with me because if I see them flirting with other guys, I simply let them and don't do anything about it. I figure if they would rather be with them than me, go for it. Most guys get mad, act macho and that is not me. Is there something wrong with my approach?
A. Congratulations... there is everything "right" about you and your thinking! You are the "New Energy, Evolved Male." You have chosen not to waste precious energy on someone who is going to play games while with you... perhaps to make you jealous or not. You are honoring yourself by refusing to buy into the belief that "if a guy really loves you, he will show you he cares by telling you how to act and proclaiming that you belong to him and only him." That smacks of ownership and no one owns anyone else. And, if these women really want to be with someone else, then you are better off without them... that's why they are "former" girlfriends. You deserve a partner who cherishes you for who you are, respects, and enjoys being with you regardless of anyone else around. Your next girlfriend will be that and more because that is what you are attracting.
Q. My girlfriend says she loves me and wants to be with just me. However, she will not remove herself from on line dating sites. This bothers me. How am I supposed to feel about her still being out there for other guys to contact?
A. You are supposed to feel as you stated... "bothered" or not. There is no right or wrong feeling. Feelings simply are and are the result of our thoughts. "Bothered" might suggest that you do not trust that she says she really only wants to be with you. Perhaps you need her to show you with her actions by leaving dating sites. I am wondering if you have discussed your needs... desires that make you feel that you are being valued. If you have and she will not honor your requests, then what does that tell you about your relationship? Relationships need to be "give and take" where both parties feel cherished. If you are not feeling cherished, what's in this relationship for YOU? Are you staying because you are afraid you may not find another girlfriend? Do you remain because you think you deserve this kind of treatment? Or are you used to attracting drama and doubt in your relationships? There are many reasons for our behaviors. You must now decide how you wish to be respected.
Q. I need some guidelines... different books and sites give opposing answers. My girlfriends have opposite beliefs. When is it appropriate to have a guy you are dating spend the night?
A. Whenever you choose... is the best answer! As a society, we look to everyone else except ourselves for our answers to what is right or wrong. Churches dictate to us what is moral or not, schools teach us the "right" way to do things, our elected officials legislate what they feel we need or don't. We have been programmed to be led around as sheep. What if you made your decision based on your needs in spite of what others may tell you. Could you free yourself to be in charge of your own life and decide to sleep or not with this guy? As the adult, no one tells you what to wear, when to go to bed, what to buy, what kind of a car to drive. The why is it necessary to believe someone's guidelines about your dating? Take your power back and see, hear and feel how marvelous your life works. Please remember what is best for you may not the best for another. As long as you can answer "yes" to the following question, go for it! The questions is, "Is this the loving thing to do?
Q. I have been dating a lot in the past 6 months and have had 4 women tell me they love me. What do you think they want telling me this so early in our relationship? It scares me and makes them look so shallow.
A. Please remember that everything, absolutely everything is in the eye of the beholder... that is, we all live and love in our own reality. Therefore, it is impossible for anyone to judge another's motivation. However, many of us base our reality on past experiences. Perhaps these women have learned that when they express their love, men desire them more. Maybe they are needy and feel if they tell you first, then you will declare your love for them. What if they truly meant it... loved you for who you are... a great guy! NO-thing more... no-thing less without expectations. Wouldn't that feel good? Could they be telling you so you can re-think yourself? Could they be reminders, messengers, that you need to love yourself more? There are no accidents... you have attracted 4 women who are saying the same thing... let go of your fears because you are lovable and worthy of much love. Now, please believe it and enjoy it. Remember that you drew these women into your life to experience soul growth.
Q. I am almost 60 years old, have been married 3 times, made many relationship mistakes and am still looking for "the one," "my soulmate. Is there a trick to finding her... some secret that has eluded me?
A. I believe the best kept secret is that "the one" is already with you.YOU are the one. You have just forgotten how really important you are. As a culture, we tend to look outside ourselves for what we want. However, we have everything we need deep within our own beings. We have become so focused on finding satisfaction outside of ourselves that many of us have neglected to become what it is that we have been searching for. Where does it say we have to have a partner to feel whole and happy? What if you chose to date yourself, fall in love with yourself and vow to remain true to yourself? Could you be on your best behavior with YOU, take yourself to fun places, do nice things for yourself, buy yourself gifts and tokens of love, plan marvelous trips, dine at wonderful restaurants, and treat yourself as a king? When we fall in love with ourselves, we become a joy to be around. Our lives become full and rich and we no longer need to search for someone to make us happy.
Q. I helped both my former wives get on their own feet and become successful; then they dumped me. I am attracted to another woman who needs my help and I don't like it. What is going on?
A. You sound very caring, generous and intelligent. How nice that you don't like your situation. It assists you in looking at the "whys" behind your feelings and behaviors. Have you ever wondered what beliefs you might have that draw needy women to you so you can "fix" them? Our unconscious mind holds many beliefs that we accepted as children. As adults, these beliefs seem illogical and contrary to who we are.
However, unless we discover those unwanted beliefs, release them and replace them with empowering ones, we can continue to sabotage our adult lives. Our unconscious speaks to us by presenting uncomfortable situations, like yours, so we can recognize unhealthy beliefs and change them. Typical "caretaker" beliefs might be, "I am lovable only when I am helping someone. If I try harder, I will be appreciated. If I concentrate on helping women, then I won't have time to focus on myself and my needs and will not have to look inside at my pain." All the above unconscious beliefs encourage us to try to control ourselves and others rather than allowing our magnificence to flow naturally. Underneath it all is fear; fear that we are not quite good enough. When someone attracts "fixer-uppers," oftentimes they have had an uncomfortable childhood--perhaps acted like a responsible adult at an early age because one or both parents were incapable of meeting childhood needs. There could have been addiction, or chronic debilitating illness in the family that the child interpreted as something he could fix. No one is broken. We only hold "broken" beliefs. Get someone to assist you in reprogramming your beliefs and you change your pattern of attraction.
Q. My boyfriend and I have known each other 2 months and want to get married very soon. What is the right amount of time we should wait before we hold the ceremony?
A. It is very healthy for you to be questioning a good time to marry someone you have known for just 2 months. However, no one but you can answer that challenge. It is not a question of etiquette or timing but rather a question of your values and beliefs. After all, you are talking about your life's partner. This is about you and your being responsible for making choices that honor you. It is also about understanding how and why you make certain decisions. There is no "should" about it. "Should" is a shaming word that implies you must do something in a certain way and if you don't, you are wrong. Look deep within your heart and get in touch with what it is telling you. Does it give you a sense of peace that you are making a decision that celebrates you and your love for each other? Does it remind you that you have learned all you need to know about this man in 2 months? Is it uplifting to your self worth that you are making a major decision about your life in a short period of time? Are there doubts that creep in during your quiet times? The answers to the above questions are felt by you throughout the day. Take some alone time to see, hear and trust their messages.
Q. How do I know if I am having a successful relationship with my girlfriend?
A. Relationships are here to teach us about ourselves and show us how we want to be treated. When we begin treating ourselves as the priceless persons we really are, we begin to expect that others will behave in the same manner. Successful relationships occur when both parties truly love themselves and act out that love, demonstrating support, tolerance, respect, flexibility, forgiveness, gratitude, playfulness, and a great sense of humor with each other.
Q. I have been living with my girlfriend for the past 5 years. She recently asked me to move out and I did. We both still love each other very much and feel we need time to ourselves to grow and invest in our individual careers. Even though we are grieving the breakup, we still want to see each other and love each other. My friends are telling me to forget her, move on quickly, and find someone else. What do you think?
A. How nice that you are able to love and not feel that love has to be demonstrated in a certain way. You are willing to live outside the box! It is not about what I or your friends think, it is about how you feel. What is your heart showing you and speaking to you? You have all your answers within. There are no rules to relationship endings or beginnings. Perhaps your ending is the beginning for a greater understanding of yourself. Maybe you and your former girlfriend have more to learn from each other or not. Relationships teach us about ourselves--who we think we are and how we wish to be treated. Our partner reflects back to us what we think we deserve. How wondrous that you are able to end with love rather than our traditional way of blaming and anger. There is an energy to a relationship just like everything else on this planet. When the energy no longer is, it becomes unplugged and we feel it. It has lived its course. When we are aware of our true feelings, we also intuitively know it is time to release the attachment to the particular relationship in the form that it has been. Many people are unwilling to release ended energy and stay invested in relationships that no longer honor them or work to help them grow. Perhaps, you are helping us set a new standard for compassionate breakups--possibly remaining friends, understanding that love comes in many forms.
Q. I am in love. He isn't. I can't get him out of my head. I fantasize, pretend I am with him when I am with another, and wish he would call and profess his love. What can I do to get him to reconsider?
A. Do No-thing. You are not responsible for anyone's decision but your own. You are currently denying "His" reality and attempting to make him wrong. Please respect that he is making other choices and they do not include you. He is choosing what is right for him. So you see, there is really no right or wrong to this situation. It is all about personal beliefs. Thank you for your honesty. How nice that you are so in touch with your thoughts. Many people have emotions such as yours but would be unwilling to share them so bluntly. We have been trained as a culture that we must keep struggling to get the things we want. However, life really doesn't work that way. In actuality, we always get what we want according to our beliefs. Could there be a belief that you can never have what you want and he is mirroring this to you or not? Could "He" be reflecting the belief that there are no good, faithful men out there? When we believe in lack and that "He" is the only one for us, then we create scenarios such as the one you are describing. When we become flowing in life's many adventures, we simply allow other wonderful male possibilities to come into our lives and release our need to have just "Him." Have you ever wondered if you might be keeping the perfect one away from you because of your tight hold on "Him" and the need to control this current non-relationship? What if you created the man of your dreams in your head, formed him in your thoughts and sent out your thinking energy to attract him. Can you see yourself having what you really want? Can you hear him in your head--his sounds, the loving things he is saying to you. Could you allow yourself to feel grateful for this new relationship or not? You in the one in charge.
