Attracting, getting, and maintaining long-lasting love requires both partners to practice sound human-relations skills. When the going gets rough, smart people remain patient, kind, compassionate and, most of all, flexible in their approach to one another. Remember the Golden Rule which reads: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." In other words, treat others as you want to be treated. If you don't, poor people skills will make you an undesirable person to spend time with.
The following ideas are designed to help fine-tune your ability to get along well with other people and improve your human-relations skills for a better love life:
o START BY BEING FRIENDLY & CHEERFUL.
Remember that first impressions are formed during the initial few seconds of an interaction. That's why it's always a safe policy to start off by putting your best foot forward. A good way to accomplish this is to be friendly and cheerful. A warm smile also communicates this feeling in a natural way. People frequently make the mistake of trying too hard to impress someone in the beginning. However usually the other person just wants is to feel comfortable and have an enjoyable experience. If you do not make a good impression, you may not get a chance to make a second one.
o RELAX AND BE NATURAL.
Another helpful technique to master is having an opening greeting in mind to use. Keep it simple and natural such as "Hi, how are you doing?" Rather than dumping a clever line on another person, it's far better to be relaxed and communicate in a natural manner. This puts the other person at ease.
o REFRAIN FROM EXCESSIVE COMPLAINING AND CRITICIZING.
In my work as a tour director, I've had my fill of people who criticize and complain about almost anything. While they may have legitimate reasons for doing this, the end result is that these people enjoy their vacations less and tend to bring other travelers down. If these types of people could only rid themselves of the need to feel more important by making such comments, then they would open up their lives to more social opportunities and better-quality relationships with others. Unfortunately, habitual complainers are the last ones to find out how many love-chances passed them by because of their negative nature. By not being negative, you not only open yourself up to additional possibilities, you will actually allow yourself to enjoy them more, too.
o CONNECT ON THE SAME LEVEL.
Be aware that most communication between people is done on an unconscious level. A well-documented study by Dr. Albert Mehrabian at the University of California, Los Angeles, showed that nonverbal communication --- including facial, eye, and body movements --- account for 55% of all communication. According to this research, only 7% of communication comes from the actual words we use and 38% of our communication consists of simple voice inflections. In order to connect on the same level, a smart communicator will match another person's basic voice-traits (volume and speed) and non-vocal patterns (hand gestures, amount of eye contact, and basic facial expressions).
o DON'T TELL OTHER PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE WRONG.
We waste a lot of energy trying to be right. In the meantime, we inadvertently make other people feel wrong. What's funny is that we often have good intentions when telling someone they are wrong. As concerned friends, we don't want people we care about to go down the wrong path toward unhappiness, failure, or disappointment. But corrective remarks often result in defensiveness from the other person. So when the stakes are small, be sure to let some harmless comments or behavior go by unchallenged. This allows others to recognize that you approve and accept them as they are. And then be very selective about the things you do address.
o AVOID GOSSIP.
Many people have a natural urge to stick their noses into other people's business. For some, this is a kind of entertainment that focuses on the faults of others rather than their strengths. The danger with gossip is that it is filled with speculation, questions people's motives, and is usually designed to criticize or belittle others. Most gossip involves friends, co-workers, or neighbors, so the words of the one who gossips often get back to the accused. People start to wonder what is said about them when they aren't around. If you are viewed as a gossip, people will consider you untrustworthy. The safe strategy is to mind your own business. Also, simply by listening to gossip, you encourage it.
o GIVE WELL-RECEIVED COMPLIMENTS.
In my earlier career as a public speaking trainer, I had to have a variety of uniquely positive things to say about my students after their speeches. I would usually look for something that I either liked, admired, trusted, or respected about that person. Later, in the dating arena, I found that making an effort to find the less obvious and more personal compliment was a sign that I truly valued the woman at a deeper level. For example, instead of telling a beautiful woman that she was pretty, I would listen intently and say that I enjoyed her sense of humor or respected her opinion about something. That always seemed to score bigger points with my dates and it made me stand out among the other men the woman knew.
o WIN ARGUMENTS BY AVOIDING THE UNNECESSARY ONES!
A lot of wasted energy is spent trying to win arguments rather than letting the other person express his or her ideas freely. Sometimes you must remind yourself that many battles aren't worth fighting. It's better to save your ability to discuss differences for the issues that are really important in your relationships. If you feel you could be better at dealing with relationship conflicts, read I'm Right. You're Wrong. Now What?: How to Break Through Any Relationship Stalemate Without Fighting, Folding or Fleeing by JacLynn Morris, M.Ed. and Paul L. Fair, Ph.D.
Improving your human-relation skills may require breaking some old patterns and habits. However, excelling in your people skills is an attractive quality that allows the chance for love to flourish. Your ability to get along with a wide variety of people under different sets of circumstances goes a long way toward making sure that your love relationship is an expanded, growing one --- not a limited dying one.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Dating sucks when you don't get along well with others and are a pain to be around for very long. But dating rocks when people enjoy your company and deeply value their association with you under all kinds of social circumstances.
Steve Nakamoto - "The Voice Of The Other Half"
iVillage.com's Ask Mr. Answer Man Relationship Expert
2-Time Writer's Digest Award-Winning Author
Author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man
Talk Like A Winner! 21 Simple Rules For Everyday Communication Success
Dating Rocks! The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love
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