Mr. Perfect is hard, if not downright impossible, to find. After all, no one - male or female - is perfect. But the thing is, even if most women are prepared to endure a few dud dates for the cause of happily-ever-afterness, there's a certain subspecies of male that deserves to be given a wide, wide berth - the Date from Hell!
Of course, it would be wonderful if you never had to be in this sorry situation - ever. But, just in case you do, here's lifeline - in the form of the following five tips - to help you cope (until, at least, you can call a cab and get the hell outta there)!
1. Mr. I-Think-I'm-Jerry-Seinfeld
Where you met him: In a line at Caroline's Comedy Club, waiting for the 8pm show. He tapped you on the shoulder and said, "What's a cute gal like you doing in a line like this? Ha! Ha!" After chatting with him for about an hour (hey, you had time to kill), he asked you to the sold-out Robin Williams show next week. He seemed kind of funny, wasn't half bad-looking and didn't have "Ax Murderer" written on his forehead - so naturally you agreed to go.
The date: You agree to meet at the venue at 7:15pm, in order to have enough time before the 8pm curtain to settle in and enjoy a glass of pre-show champagne. At 7:45, you're still standing below the marquee, tapping your foot and getting more annoyed by the minute. Then, when he finally shows up five minutes before the show's about to start, he gives you a lame-o excuse as to why he's so late ("My Ferrari wouldn't start! Ha, ha!"). He then proceeds to bombard you with bad Jay Leno impressions and a slew of tasteless jokes for the rest of the evening. Needless to say, you are not amused.
Instead of shooting him, try this: Playing straight guy to his wiseacre is an exercise in futility, so, to salvage the date, try this: steer the conversation toward more serious topics so that the Seinfeld-wannabe can't continue to crack jokes. Keep the conversation flowing by asking him questions about his work, family background, hobbies and interests - anything to keep him from reaching for his invisible cue cards. If, after trying you can't get a straight answer out of the guy, try the honest approach and say, "Look, I'd like to get to know you better, but it's impossible if you're always joking." If he doesn't get the hint after that, well, bye-bye Jerry!
2. Mr. My-Place-or-Yours?
Where you met him: Against your better judgment, at a trendy cocktail bar. He was knocking back a dirty martini; you were staring at him lustfully from across the crowded room. He finally made eye contact with you and sidled over to your spot at the bar, where he asked to buy you a drink. After an hour of intense conversation - and a small amount of innocent smooching - he asked to see you again, this time for a quiet dinner at your favorite sushi place. It didn't take much convincing for you to say "YES!"
The date: He picks you up at your place, but, as soon as he walks in the door, he notices that you've neglected to fasten a button on your blouse and offers - a little too eagerly - to do it up for you. After two minutes of clumsily "looking for the buttonhole" (yeah, right!), he suggests forgoing dinner in lieu of staying in and hanging out. You have a sinking suspicion that your idea of "hanging out" (i.e., sharing a nice bottle of Merlot and talking about Proust) and his idea (i.e., partaking in some horizontal dancing on your waterbed) aren't jibing. Not at all.
Instead of shooting him, try this: Tell your date in a kind yet straightforward manner that you'd be more comfortable getting to know him in a more public place, before getting more intimate. If he apologizes and agrees to keep up his end of the bargain (meaning, going on the date he'd promised), that's great. Maybe the date just got off on the wrong foot, that's all. If he's clearly not interested in accommodating your request, or seems annoyed or perturbed in any way, you can safely assume that he wants One Thing - which is exactly what you should give him: The back of the door!
3. Mr. Set Up
Where you met him: At your front door (a blind day, unfortunately). Your mother plays bridge in Boca with his mother; they thought it would be a lovely idea if the two of you "young people" met, because you've got SO much in common - you're both single!
The date: Marvin shows up at your door right on time, proffering a bouquet of wilting carnations and an open, gap-touthed smile. Although you're not one to judge a book by its cover (that would be shallow, after all), you simply can't help it: Marvin, clearly, is an open book: In high-water Dockers, white shoes and an Lifetime NRA Member pin, he's a walking disaster. Oy vey!
Instead of shooting him, try this: Calling off the date point-blank would appear too obvious, and feel too awkward, so your best bet is to try to make the best of the situation. If you'd planned to go out of dinner, feign a stomachache and suggest going to a movie instead. Once the lights have dimmed, you can make a beeline for the concessions stand and snag some snacks. How bad can the date be with Raisinettes, Milk Duds and Twizzlers as your sidemen? And the next time your mom offers to set you up, kindly but firmly tell her that you don't do blind dates anymore. Ever.
4. Mr. Scrooge
Where you met him: At a local KFC. He was at the counter, ordering a Special Value Meal; you were sitting at a table, munching your way through a thigh-wing combo. (The diet starts tomorrow, right?). The place was packed, so he came over to your table and asked if he could join you. You were almost finished eating, so you saw no reason to refuse. After chatting for a few minutes, he asked you out for a more "decent" meal. He seemed harmless enough, so you agreed.
The date: He comes to pick you up, but then something strange happens. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a thick white envelope and starts rooting around for - can this be? - a selection of vouchers for a half-price meal at a restaurant of your choice (or at least among the choices he's got in the envelope). "I thought we could eat first," he informs you, "and then do some window shopping afterward." Aghast, you are lost for words but agree to one of the restaurants he seems to be pushing for: An all-you-can-eat Indian buffet.
At the restaurant, you fill up your plate but notice that there's no garlic nan, so you ask a waiter for an order and then inquire whether your date would like some too. "No," he answers coldly. "That costs extra."
Instead of shooting him, try this: Matter-of-factly inform him that you'll be having the garlic nan, and if it costs extra, well, you'd be more than happy to pay for it. Clearly, this man is beyond redemption, so your best bet is to chalk the date up to experience, and move on. And if you can avoid picking up men at fast-food restaurants in the future, even better.
5. The Clam
Where you met him: At your local Starbucks. He was typing wildly on his Macbook; you were admiring his keyboarding skills, and rugged good looks, from afar. After gathering your courage, you sidled up to him and asked for his opinion on Macs - over a venti skim latte, your treat. He nodded in the affirmative, and off you went to fetch two coffees.
The date: After bringing two cups of steaming joe to his table, you sit down for a chat. But Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome turns out to be the Strong Silent Type - he barely utters a word, no matter how many conversation starters you offer up. You try again. And again. And yet again. After a while, you give up. You're not Diane Sawyer!
Instead of shooting him, try this: Take a deep, cleansing breath and say, "Well, now that you've heard all about me, let's find out about YOU!" This will give him the chance to prove that he does indeed own a set of vocal chords. If this attempt to open him up shuts like a door in your face, politely excuse yourself for an "appointment" you have to go to. What's the point of dragging things out? You'll do better next time.
So, the moral of this story? It's important to try to meet a variety of men, but if you discover that someone is simply not your cup of tea, don't torture yourself. Get out while the going's good. There are plenty of fish in the sea of love!
Melissa Roske, ACC, founder of Wheels in Motion Coaching (http://www.WheelsInMotionCoaching.com), is a New York University-trained Life and Personal Coach, committed to helping clients to realize their potential and to successfully attain their goals. Certified by the International Coach Federation (ICF), Melissa is also an internationally published author, advice columnist and relationships advisor.
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