Problems are like weeds. They will pop up unexpectedly and attack the health of your love garden. Instead of being surprised by problems, anticipate their arrival in advance and know exactly how you're going to eliminate them.
The following helpful pointers are designed to help you handle any kind of relationship problem that comes your way with more control and effectiveness:
o See problems as temporary challenges
The first simple step is to refer to your "problems" from now on as "challenges." The word "challenge" implies that there is a workable solution that can be found with the proper mix of courage, determination, flexibility, discipline, knowledge, and skill. Challenges tend to be temporary in nature and require higher levels of performance in order to overcome them. If a couple can rise to the occasion and muster the will to succeed, then they will eventually find a way to restore and maintain their love for each other.
o Honestly admit your mistakes right away
One way to disarm a potentially difficult situation is to admit your mistakes quickly and emphatically. That way, you will give your partner the proper assurances that this problem will be approached in a more balanced manner in the future. Do this instead of trying to wage a one-sided attack on where he's been wrong. For the time being, make sure that you let your admission of the mistake stand alone without negating its value by saying something like "What I did was wrong and I am sincerely sorry, but...." (Don't add any excuses or tell him why he's a big part of the problem.) If you try the suggested approach, your partner may likely reciprocate back by admitting his mistakes as well.
o Attack the problem but not the person
Make sure that you separate the problem from the person. You want to reinforce the idea that you love the person, but you hate their bad behaviors. Along the same lines, never question the other person's intent and don't attack their character if you want to prevent an escalation of ill will. When dealing with men, realize that they sometimes do and say dumb things simply because they don't attach much significance to a particular action or its consequences. This is in contrast to how the typical woman would probably view it. If a playful guy thinks that something is no big deal, you can expect him to do or say almost anything.
o Can you handle the truth?
People often claim that they want to hear the absolute truth. However, can they really accept it without getting their feelings hurt? As a communicator, one tactful way of presenting a hard truth is to spend a lot of time explaining the nature of what is about to be said. That way, the intent of the message is less likely to be misconstrued. So establish the nature of a difficult discussion, get permission to share the details, and then freely state your truth. A wise communicator will also follow up their statements with a reminder of why honesty is essential for the long-term health of any love relationship. Interestingly, how well people handle the truth creates a precedent on whether truths will be shared or omitted in the future. If you discover that a partner has been telling you a pack of lies, understand that part of the problem may be his perception that you can't handle the truth. In any case, people should know that it's best to stick with honesty. My feeling is that if the truth will destroy a relationship, so be it. Actually, the strange thing I've discovered is that the truth seldom blows up a relationship --- instead what is almost guaranteed to destroy the love connection is avoiding the truth, better known as lying or lying by omission.
o Don't be too negative
While it's true that most problems are negative in nature, it doesn't mean that we can't find some positive value in the process of overcoming them. Remind yourself that while there may be problems or imperfections in your relationship, there are still plenty of other things to be grateful about, too. In addition, discipline your thinking so that you clearly define your challenge and not make it appear worse than it actually is. The most important point here is that negative problems are handled best when you are in the most positive and constructive frame of mind.
o Focus on workable solutions
Put an immediate end to the pointless rehashing of a problem and move forward by focusing on workable solutions. By doing this, you will think about constructive responses rather than waste more time dwelling on what has already happened and can't be changed. The object here is to come up with a wide range of possible solutions for your particular relationship challenge and mutually decide on the best course of action to pursue. Put your energy where you'll get the best results and that's by focusing on the best solutions and creating a goal-achieving plan of actions.
o What is the larger objective?
If you can ask this question throughout the process of solving your relationship challenge, you will be able to keep your discussion on purpose. The larger objective may include such things as: (1) making sure that you don't take each other for granted, (2) improving communication, (3) learning more about your partner's beliefs about your relationship, and (4) learning how to grow as a couple, to name a few. The larger objective is always positive and is meant to bring happiness and fulfillment to both partners. In the heat of your battles, always come back to the larger objective so that you'll be reminded of how you will both benefit.
o Get professional help or get out
If you find that the weight of your problems becomes too heavy for you to handle, seek high-quality professional counseling. This may require getting help for yourself first and later getting help for your partner as well. Select a counselor who has a good track record for success and is naturally appealing to both partners. Still, sometimes we find that despite all of our efforts to repair the serious problems in a relationship, we fail to observe one or more of the following: (1) a willingness to seek any kind of help, (2) a willingness to be responsible, (3) a willingness to forgive, (4) a willingness to love, or (5) a willingness to even try. At that point, it's clearly time to get out.
You will arrive at your love destiny as a result of all of the choices that you make over time. Increase your chances for success by having a sensible and reliable system in place for handling your relationship challenges. That way, you can avoid unnecessarily harsh clashes and prevent hard feelings from destroying your love.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Dating sucks when problems crop up repeatedly in your love life and send you into an emotional tailspin. But dating rocks when you can anticipate and handle every kind of challenging situation with wisdom, maturity, control, and love.
Steve Nakamoto - "The Voice Of The Other Half"
iVillage.com's Ask Mr. Answer Man Relationship Expert
2-Time Writer's Digest Award-Winning Author
Author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man
Talk Like A Winner! 21 Simple Rules For Everyday Communication Success
Dating Rocks! The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love
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