HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF REJECTION
Have you ever been rejected by someone for no apparent reason in your pursuit of love? I'm sure that everyone has experienced this on at least one occasion. And while rejection can feel catastrophic at the time of its occurrence to the individual, in retrospect, this experience is just a normal part of the sorting process for each person's journey to true love.
The major danger with rejection is its ability to create the fear of pain which causes people to stop attempting at love in the future. When you face the reality of rejection, you can clearly see that it is not a physical thing. You can't hold it or grab it. The fear of rejection is only a mental obstacle that gets in the way of finding love. But the very real problems with rejection occur when either a person: (1) stops trying because of the fear of pain, or (2) gives up too easily on their search for love.
To help you "reject rejection" when faced with such a challenge, here are six helpful pointers to keep firmly in your mind:
1. What's the worst that can happen?
Face the reality that sometimes you will not succeed in getting your outcome. But there really aren't any failures as long as you learn or find value in whatever outcome you receive. In every incident of rejection, there is some kind of feedback. It's up to you to figure out what feedback that might be and how to handle a similar situation in the future with more effectiveness.
2. Design your own kind of safety net.
Like flying on a high trapeze, a person needs to be reassured that in the event of a fall everything will be alright. One way to do this is to fully realize the benefit of uncertainty. It is the feeling of uncertainty that fuels the excitement in our lives. When we experience too much certainty, we get bored. The truth is that the more uncertainty we take on, the more alive we feel. So the true test in life is to see how much uncertainty you can comfortably handle. People who do well in this area have absolutely no problems with the feeling of rejection. Embrace a healthy dose of uncertainty in your life so that you can maintain some excitement in your spirit. Remember that uncertainty means excitement and adventure.
3. Find your special trigger phrase that gets you to act.
If you were to find yourself on your first skydiving adventure, you'd eventually reach a point when you either decide to jump out of the plane or chicken out and return back to the airport. What many people do when faced with fear is create a word or phrase that they say to themselves in order to take action. For me, I've been able to "pull the trigger" by saying something like the following:
o "If it going to be, it's up to me."
o "What the heck!"
o "It's now or never."
o "Bring it on!"
Your job is to find a phrase that resonates for you. Go back into your personal history and find a time when you were able to act in the face of a challenge. Remember that time and think about what you may have said to yourself in order to get yourself to act in the face of fear.
4. See rejection as a test of who you really are and what you're really made of.
When you find yourself faced with a challenge of rejection, it serves as a test for many things such as:
o How much courage do you have? Will you muster up the strength to challenge your fears or are will you let fear control your life?
o How much clarity do you have? Do you know what you really want in your love life or are you simply going to avoid anything that might be painful?
o How much pain are you willing to take? Some people have very low thresholds of pain. In fact, some of these people will do anything to avoid the slightest possibility of pain. What these people don't realize is that a little dose of pain might actually be good for them. Like a pin that is pricked on your finger for a blood test, a small bit of pain will make you realize that the fear is much greater than the actual experience. The actual experience may be insignificant in the grand scheme of your life. It certainly isn't something to control your every social behavior now and in the future.
5. Diversify your interests and possibilities so that you don't have everything riding on this one experience.
If you make any dating prospect an enormous deal in your life, then you will put too much pressure on yourself to succeed. In the event of an undesirable outcome, putting too much emotional weight will make you distort the meaning in a negative way. I suggest that you go into any love encounter with a diversified portfolio of social options such as:
o Have other dating prospects in mind or in the fire.
o Line up additional dating/meeting events on your social calendar.
o Maintain a supportive network of upbeat, supportive friends.
o Diversify your interests so that you have more in your world to be excited about besides your love life.
o Enjoy a variety of simple diversions so that you can take periodic breaks from the dating world. A diversion like taking a vacation with the girls will refresh your spirit and help you find the emotional balance that you need to succeed at dating and love.
6. Know the true meaning of "no."
When you receive a message of rejection, you have the complete freedom to interpret it correctly or to make it a personal attack on yourself. While it may seem like the other person is doing something to you, the truth is that we do much meaner things to our own psyche. I have found that the true meaning of a rejection message is usually one of the following:
o You're a better match up with someone else. The romantic chemistry (which is out of our control and a thing of nature) isn't right for both parties.
o If I'm not right for the other person, then there is no way they could be the right one for me.
o An early "no" saves you a ton of time, energy, and emotion.
o "No" should instantly mean "next!" to a person of positive action. That "next" could mean looking for your next person to meet, next strategy to use, next direction in your life, and/or next attitude to incorporate.
Every person who wants to succeed at finding the love of their life must increase their number of opportunities. And in order to play the numbers game to win, that person must meet as many qualified people as they possible. Then, they must refine their approach until they get it right. But the biggest obstacle to success at love is failing to try or giving up to easily. You must have the courage to persist in order to make love happen.
The Bottom Line
As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can reject you without your own permission." The key to success in your search for love is to meet as many people as you possibly can by preventing rejection from ruining your spirit. If you discipline yourself to do this, keep your eye on your goal at all times, and learn from every experience, then success at love will naturally find its way to you. All you have to do is get on and stay on the path to love.
Steve Nakamoto - "The Voice Of The Other Half"
iVillage.com's Ask Mr. Answer Man Relationship Expert
2-Time Writer's Digest Award-Winning Author
Author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man
Talk Like A Winner! 21 Simple Rules For Everyday Communication Success
Dating Rocks! The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love
http://www.SteveNakamoto.com
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