By 2009 nearly a third of us lived alone. In some parts of London the figure is greater than 50% - and rising.
I recently spent fifty-plus hours talking to people face-to-face about Internet dating. We talked in-depth to singles across the UK from all kinds of social and religious backgrounds - looking for connections from casual sex to marriage - right across the gender spectrum.
Provided we follow a few simple guidelines, we all can use the Internet to increase our social circle and to find others with similar interests - even love - and we can do so safely.
Here are my top tips:
1) Find a site that you like. There are hundreds and hundreds of dating websites, making promises from marriage to straight-up "raunch n' roll." For once, DON'T just look at the first three on your Google search - take your time to look around and get a feel for the sites; search different keywords and ways. Get a taster of one or two before committing yourself to anything - and listen to what other people you know are saying about the sites they like best.
2) Get support. In the past few years some sites allow a friend or relative to write your profile and show potential matches how you act and look with those you know. These sites are popular; many find them reassuring. As one young woman told me, "at least you can see that the guy HAS friends." You could also browse sites with a friend if you feel shy - or invite contacts onto Facebook.
3) DO be prepared to part with a little cash - but don't spend more than you're prepared to invest. On many sites matches are free because the site pays for itself by advertising. But many of those we spoke to felt more comfortable with paid sites, because these demand some sort of commitment from users which our interviewees associated with greater honesty. Which leads us to -
4) Take time to create a profile that represents you honestly. Don't upload pictures of yourself that are ancient or so flattering that they create unrealistic expectations. Since trust is the corner-stone of any successful pairing, honesty is one of the key things users look for in a partner, and dishonesty one of the things users most fear about meeting strangers - particularly via the Internet. Many rely on "chemistry" to tell themselves if the person they're meeting is "right." Misleading pictures will almost always lead to disappointment on both sides.
5) Be prepared to deal with difference. Men and women do come to the sites with different expectations as regards the time-scale of their encounters. Men often want an immediate first meeting, women often want to delay until they feel confident about the other's intentions. Neither is right or wrong - but it's wise to understand that different drivers may be operating. Relax: don't let anyone rush you. Negotiate meetings so that both parties feel satisfied with the agreement. One advantage of Internet dating is that you control the type of meeting you want - time of day, location, atmosphere, setting. Anyone who won't give a little over such details probably won't be flexible in the larger scheme of things, either.
6) Be clear. The act of looking for someone online and creating a profile helps clarify what you want or don't want, and who you really are. Work towards clarifying for yourself what you're looking for from internet dating - and start to communicate this clearly, over time, to potential matches. This matters whether you're looking for a casual sexual encounter or a life-partner. If you're not yet clear, it's probably best if you don't pretend to be.
7) Likewise, establish your terms of reference as soon as you can. Are you really looking for similar things - or do you have your wires crossed? Do you think "love" is doing his laundry, when he thinks it's clubbing in the Canaries? Do you both have similar expectations about each other's children and their place in your relationship? Are you expecting a partner home for dinner every night at 18.00 when she's in a high-pressure career?
8) Manage your expectations. There's nothing that kills romance like cynicism; but there's nothing more risky than putting all your hopes and dreams into every encounter. Recognise that not every connection you make is going to lead somewhere - many lead nowhere at all - and don't take it to heart when "friends" disappear on you, start seeing another of their contacts, or otherwise behave in unexpected ways. Use your instincts when things like this happen; read between the lines. If someone is not behaving respectfully and openly with you, you will soon know it. That's the time to confront, withdraw or take other appropriate action.
9) Remember that you don't really know that person. Recognise that - however much ground-work you have done by email, phone, chat, or via the dating site or Facebook - you'll never really know that person until you know them for real. It will still take time and face-to-face encounters to establish and sustain trust - just as with old-style dating. Emails will help, but they're no substitute for real-time intimacy.The degree of apparent intimacy may make you believe you can skip over some of the steps needed to create real closeness - but you can't.
10) Have fun with your online encounters. There's nothing inherently serious about online dating - flirtations are what you make them. In many ways, if you're sensible, it's a no-risk strategy that can help you heal a broken heart and regain confidence - whether you ever actually meet the people you "meet" or not.
So by all means be careful - but what are you waiting for? Get out there tonight.
Alex Brunel is an American writer/researcher based in Stratford upon Avon, England. She's an expert on perception and the psychology of the Web.
You can see a collection of her short stories under her pen name Riveralex online at Storywrite
http://storywrite.com/riveralex
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