How To Find The Right Man To Share Your Life With

These are the things women should know to look for, to know whether they've found the right man. A man's perspective can help:

Honesty and Truthfulness

This should be at the top of the list. If a man doesn't have this, the rest of it doesn't matter much. Love can't survive without trust. You need someone who you can rely on always to tell you the truth. Otherwise how do you know when it is the truth and when it isn't? This is the foundation that relationships are built on. By the same token, you should be invariably honest with the man you have the interest in. He deserves the same degree of assurance that you want.

Openness

For the reasons just mentioned, and also to determine the quality of communication you're going to have in the relationship, openness is something you need to look for. You shouldn't have to pull things out of a man. There would very likely be other things there that you weren't successful in pulling out. If you feel you're getting frequent resistance to efforts to learn what you'd like to know about someone, find someone else you can get on the same wave length with. The ability to communicate well and easily, is elemental to a successful relationship. If the communication doesn't flow easily, he's probably not the one for you.

General Atmosphere

When you are together do you genuinely enjoy each other's company and have fun together? Can you spend a lot of time together -- effortlessly? Does it all seem very natural? This is the way things should be.

If you are on edge and uncomfortable most of the time, something is making you that way. A little bit of nervousness and trying to get a sense of each other early on is not unusual, but with time you should be more relaxed with the whole thing. If you aren't, try to identify why and talk about it. If it can't be resolved, you probably haven't found the right man yet.

Any type of aggressive behavior, including someone's being blatantly sexual early on when you aren't in agreement, someone who is rude to you, or to others, or someone who is restrictive and controlling: "I don't want you doing that", is good cause not to keep seeing someone any more, particularly after you have made it clear that you didn't like it.

Interests, Attitudes and Aspirations

Explore his interests and what he is looking for. Try to see if you seem to be on the same page not only on interests, but about general attitudes and the future. You need not agree on "everything". What you're looking for are "deal breakers", e.g., you're looking for someone to spend a substantial amount of time with and he tells you he plays golf everyday. You want to spend more time traveling. He doesn't like to travel at all. He's a bigot and you take people how you find them and treat them equally, irrespective of race, religion or ethnic background.

Commitment and Companionship

Does his commitment seem real and deep? How is he as a companion? Do you have fun together and really enjoy each other's company, even when you are not "doing anything"? Love alone is not enough. A relationship has got to work too. A study indicated that commitment to one another and companionship were the two most important characteristics found in lasting relationships.

Consideration and Kindness

Notice whether he seems to be trying to please you or himself. Look for kindness. When the opportunities present themselves,watch how he treats or refers to others: his former spouse(s), your children and family, his family members, store clerks, waiters and waitresses and others he encounters. If he treats, or talks about them, like dirt, somewhere down the line when the heat dies down, you will be likely to get the same treatment. Avoid trouble. Leave now. You want "what you see is what you get", not an actor playing a role.

Recognizing Your True Love

John Gray in his best selling book "Mars and Venus On A Date" indicates that there are five stages of dating:

-Attraction

-Uncertainty

-Exclusivity

-Intimacy

-Engagement

Dr. Gray, the author of many other best selling books on relationships, emphasizes the importance of passing through all five dating stages, and not skipping any. He says that by moving through them properly you will "just know" when someone seems right for you, and also "just know" when they aren't. He provides detailed information on how each dating stage should work and identifies the difference between men and women and how they function in relationships. He defines a soulmate as "someone who has the unique ability to bring out the best in us. We are not just physically turned on to them; our soul gets turned on as well."

We have often heard that there needs to be "chemistry" between two people if they are going to move forward and become soulmates. Dr. Gray says that there is not just one kind of chemistry that needs to be present with dating partners, but four:

-Physical chemistry (Generates desire)

-Emotional chemistry (Generates affection)

-Mental chemistry (Generates interest)

-Spiritual chemistry (Creates love)

These are useful guides to keep in mind as you are dating new men and work toward determining if a man is "the one" for you.

Your Home and His

A home is a great reflection of a woman whether it is her house, condo, apartment or mobile home. It shows her interests, her taste and her housekeeping, property maintenance, homemaking skills and general neatness, whether she does it herself or pays someone else to. A cluttered and less than clean home can be a real turnoff. A disorderly and crummy car interior is a similar reflection.

Make sure your home and your car are neat and immaculately clean. Do not let them turn somebody off. A man would reason that if a woman has an interest in him and is trying to create a pleasant experience for him, and that this is the best her home can look now, it isn't going to look any better if they're together in it later. I'm not talking about the size or style of a home here. Anyone with a modest home up to a mansion can keep it neat and clean.

This works the other way too. If a guy's home is sloppy and unclean, he may very well not be the one who's going to do his part in keeping your shared residence the way you would want to. You don't want to spend half your time picking up after someone else and cleaning up their messes. Such behavior shows lack of consideration for a mate, as well as being generally annoying, and a source for future contention.

Your home is a reflection of you. Making it as inviting as possible is very desirable to a man. It gives him an idea of what "home" would be like with you. Whether it is cute and country, sophisticated or rustic, let it reflect the best of you.

Broadening Your Dating Parameters?

If you have been looking for a while and haven't found the love you want, you might want to broaden your sights a bit. In the process of writing this, I re-examined two locations I used a few years ago. I recognized a number of the same women. While there could be several explanations for that, I suspect that at least some of them might be because they still haven't found anyone yet. This shouldn't be a career effort. Do the job right, find the man you want and get on with your happiness and your life. While the very number of people available can be somewhat exciting and stimulating for a while, after a while it can get old, so work hard at finding what you want as soon as you reasonably can, then move on with better living.

On the point of being at it too long, one should ask if it is better to continue being too selective or being lonely. It might be time to re-think things up a bit and consider making some changes in your "requirements". I have heard women comment about other women friends they know saying that they haven't found anybody yet because "they're too picky". The end result can mean either being permanently lonely or finding satisfaction in a more solitary life.

Some women may be unrealistic in their aspirations. Others may not be properly assessing the kind of man who could make them happy. A number of ads I saw stressed the importance of how good looking or tall the man had to be. Everybody has his/her own range of acceptability and that's understandable, but is someone's "drop dead gorgeous" appearance or height more important than his character and how he treats his partner? To read some of the emphatic requirements of some women in this regard, you'd think so. Focus on what is real and lasting, not something transitory.

"Financially secure" is another often cited characteristic. All things being equal, it is certainly far preferable to have a love who is. If you are getting a good number of responses with this qualification in there, then it clearly isn't limiting you very much and you should keep it as a goal.

There are a number of good men who might make loving partners who aren't in that situation, but could make you very happy nonetheless. The problem is that a number of divorced men who are still paying alimony and child support may be the same decent people they always were, but their income has been substantially reduced by the need to make such payments. Naturally, you do not want to start a relationship with a deadbeat and a taker.

Women with resources additionally need to be careful of scammers who prey on women. Protect your resources. You need them for your security and independence. What I'm suggesting is that if you know a man is doing the best he can financially to make a contribution to the relationship, and is contributing to it in other ways, you might find a man you love and who really loves you, who you might be ruling out otherwise. Naturally, a woman should make whatever choice with respect to financial stability she feels is in her overall, long term best interest.

The Right Man Will Be Patient

Any gentleman who has a sincere interest in you will take the time to get to know you better and be respectful of your heart in the meantime, regardless of the cause of your hurt. He'll also want you to heal, and will help you to do it, by talking things out with you when you want to. Naturally, the time frame has to be kept within reason. He wants to live too and doesn't want to put things on hold indefinitely. In the end, if he is the right one, it may make you love him all the more because he was kind and considerate to you when you really needed it. You will probably have the opportunity to return the favor somewhere down the road. Be there for each other.

Larry Danks is the author of Finding The Right Man For You: Dating Advice For Women. The Table of Contents and further information is available on: [http://www.FindingTheRightManForYou.com] The book is available through Amazon.com and all leading booksellers.